Feeling guilty about feeling down

I am mid move. So I am exhausted. The things I have accomplished in the last couple days would include working full time, taking possession of the condo, hosting an Ikea building party and doing the building, dealing with painters, packing, getting boxes, running to the brick, going to Rona, PACKING..... the list goes on and on. The funny thing is I just want it to be Friday night. I want to be in my bathtub with a glass of wine, a box of chocolates and a good book. Then I want to crawl into my bed, rent Sex and the City 2 on my pay per view and fall into a deep, comfortable sleep. I have been living in chaos for over a week now, sleeping on the ground, having my stuff packed around me. By the way it is always the last items that get you. It is the things that you really have no idea what to do with so you don't pack them at first, and then it is all you are left with at the end. Very frustrating. I am sitting in my room, on my mattress, on the floor, drinking a diet coke and contemplating what I have done. It is weird, every time I visit the new condo I feel this sense of... OH MY GOD I OWN THIS! I want to be excited, and part of me is very excited. Then part of me feels like, I wish D was here to share this with. It feels very strange to have bought a place, to have made such a giant leap to building my own life without him. I miss him. I miss having him to share my dreams with. I think I am building a beautiful home. A place worth sharing. I sometimes, with all my heart wish he was still here to share it with.
As I was taking my bed apart the other day with my friend, I came across a box from our last Christmas together. It just was the wrapping paper, and the card that I wrote him. But I remembered writing it and believing every word that I said. I loved him. And wanted to make it work. It was our best Christmas together. Our most romantic. I wept for everything I had lost. It was so hard to see how confident I was that he loved me back.
I guess I have never been good at change. I am still not. I have made so many changes this year.... and so many of them have been good. It is just hard to feel only excitement about this move, when I feel like a very large part of me isn't coming with me this time.

The blow up

So I did explode. I flipped out last night. I feel bad because I yelled, but other than that I am just so done. I can not believe I bent over backwards to help someone who is clearly ungrateful. I mean I have spent a lot of my time helping her and I am being treated like shit. I have been so busy, and not once as she offered to help me. I feel like running around screaming. The tension in the house could be cut with a knife. I haven't had to live in a situation like this for years. I can not believe that I got myself into this. Honestly, what was I thinking? I must have been crazy to invite her to live with me, and offer to help her when as far as I can see I just had the hardest year of my life and not once has she done anything to make it better for me. She doesn't even ask me if I am OK. Now I realize I am ranting again. BUT WHAT THE FUCK.
So  the question becomes, when do you let your boundaries down for someone? Clearly this lesson is a hard one for me. My counsellor thinks I need to learn how to say things like I am sorry this is happening to you. AND THEN DO NOTHING AFTER. Don't offer to help. Do nothing. I have not mastered the art of not over extending myself. I am juggling so many balls in the air and I still am offering to help her. I need to learn to say no. Do other people have this problem with no? What is my problem? Will people really not like me if I say no once in a while? What am I so afraid of? Really.

The Straw that broke the camel's back

Can I just say I almost lost my shit at my current roommate today. I have let her move in with her two YOUNG boys. I have babysat, lent my car out, shared groceries, shared my time, cleaned up poopie diapers... I mean really what haven't I done you ask? The answer is nothing I can think of. Well tonight we were talking about moving out and I mentioned that the oven needs cleaning, and she says "well I didn't make it messy". I have to be honest I wanted to fucking scream. She uses the oven every day just like me. We cook the same meals together all the time but somehow the mess is my fault. I couldn't believe it. I was pretty sure I wanted to scream at her. I can not believe this is who she is. She has thrown my life upside down and now tells me the oven is not her mess. I know that this may seem like a little thing, and perhaps it is. But it may just have been the straw the broke the camel's back. Yes in this analogy I am the fucking camel. I mean on Wednesday I am babysitting for her. Ask me what I did on Saturday.... oh that's right, I BABYSAT her kids! OK, obviously I am a little wound up here but I thought it is important to share things like this. Get them off my chest before I explode.

This month has been really busy. I have been running all over the place trying to prepare for the new condo. I have joined a yoga class, went to Vernon, and have been packing (although not as much as I wish). Yesterday I went out and bought new couches... I feel confident but at the same time feel like I am making all these choices by myself. I know this is a great independence thing, but I miss have someone to call or ask an opinion of. It feels like I am building a life, I AM building a life. I just struggle with the idea that I am going to be doing this all on my own. I am building a lovely home. It is going to be cozy and welcoming, yet sleek and pretty. I want to build a family. It doesn't seem to be the path that I am on right now. Maybe if I continue making good decisions for myself one day I will get there.
So I went home to Vernon for Turkey time.  It was lovely. The fall in Vernon is golden and I love going for walks, and seeing all the beautiful colours and smelling the crisp clear fall scent peppered with fresh apples. I could not eat enough apples while I was home. There is something about eating Okanagan apples on a cool autumn day.
While I was home I went for a beautiful walk with my family. Thought I would include some of those photos.

I also attend two turkey dinners. One of the best turkeys I have ever eaten.... my aunt says she just prepared an organic bird with butter and herbs pushed under the skin. Then she stuffed it with onions and garlic and rubbed thing down with grape seed oil. It was delicious.

I made a delicious version of Russian Potato salad with tons of apples and shallots, mixed with sour cream and mayo. It turned out really well. I have to say I like the apple sweet crunch that makes this salad a fun version of a regular potato.

I have to say it was a wonderful fall weekend I got to spend at home. Now back to the grind of packing, and planning. I will try to stay more in touch over the next couple of weeks.

TURKEY TIME

I am headed home to Vernon for TURKEY TIME. I am excited to get away from the bustle of my days. I have been swamped with paint samples, fabric choices, and shopping for furniture. Not to mention writing a will, buying insurance, figuring out my mortgage, etc! It has been insane. I am ready for some much needed rest at home. The girls and I are going to get together for lunch on Saturday afternoon at Crush Bistro. I am looking forward to sharing my excitement with a group who is truly happy for me and a well earned glass of wine. I will let you know how the food is at Crush...and the wine menu!
I am also doing dinner at Mom's and my Dad's sister's house. Count them, two turkeys. I am going to be turkeyed out! But it will be fantastic seeing my family. I feel I could really use a break from the tension in my house. It has been ridiculous.
Updates will be in after the weekend!