Run to Rome

For the first time in a long time I feel the need to run. I am feeling unsettled. A deep wave of nervousness washes through my stomach. I wish I felt differently, that I didn't have the urge to run away from the trouble that is brewing. So I have talked recently about a mistake I have made. The wrong man again. I have mentioned that I stopped the chaos and made the right decision. Now I am living with that decision. I know in my heart that I made the right decision. I just wish for once that someone that I was interested in was the right guy. Well that is not necessarily the whole truth. The truth is that I am still around this guy all the time, wanting him from near. And the worst or most tempting part is I can tell he wants me too. So the urge to run grows. It would be so much easier to take a month, scrape whatever money I can together and go and rent an apartment in Rome. Just hide amid the history and the food, the men. The men are easy to hide with in Rome. Who doesn't love walking down the street, only to hear how beautiful you are over and over. Men there may be more aggressive, but they also show more chivalry. Long dinners, scenic walks, roses, hands, wine, stolen kisses, a sonnet just for you (and every other tourist woman who falls for it). Knowing all this I think Rome might just be the cure. So I sit in my apartment and dream of the run. The run to Rome.

Not so broken hearted anymore

I have been MIA lately... for whatever reason I stopped living my broken heart and started just living. I made a group of new friends who are amazing. They are the my new little family. I started working really hard. Loving my job. I finished decorating my home. I just became busy with life. And then I made a mistake. That turned into another one... that has turned into something bigger than I expected. An innocent touch turned into ... well do I want this guy? I have managed to fall for the most inappropriate man on the face of the earth. Now normally I would say why? or how could I do this again? But I am more enlightened. More attuned to myself than I have ever been. I am aware that I pick unavailable men to protect myself from being hurt. It is a sure fire way to feel like I am never being rejected. It is the circumstance and not me that causes the relationship to end. What a safe way to love. Or to like. Or to do whatever the hell it is that I am doing. So the relationship ended to much complication and continued flirting. It is really feeling like we have created a no win situation, where when we are left alone to our own devices things go in the completely wrong direction. I need clarity on the situation and space. Which is exactly what I am getting right now... a whole week of clarity and space.

Saturday blues

Lately I have had to fight this feeling of unease. I am waking up every morning with a sinking feeling. I am haunted. I am haunted by my choices, and my desires, and my lonileness. I don't know what to do to make this uneasy feeling go away. Every time I see him, the boy I am making poor decisions with I find myself angry at his actions. But I still find a way into his bed. I am the girl who always wants what she can't have. How childish of me to make these kind of decisions. I keep searching for him to make it right, to make me feel balanced, much like the last time. Then I remember in moments of clarity that it doesn't work that way. I waited for D to make me feel better all the time, and the moments became more and more fleeting until I was so unhappy that nothing made it better. This situation is worse in some ways. Because I am risking so much for someone I don't even love. I care about him, but more as a friend than anything. I know that I have a crush. And my desire for him is overwhelming but it is not excuse for my behaviour. I just don't feel right. I can't seem to feel good. Or get to a place of calm. Why does this seem like it happens so often.

I want a husband who...........

Today I said to my counsellor, "I want a husband who wants to conquer the world, get out there and make it a better place". She said to me, well I think that is your ad. I have spent a life time settling. Settling for men who are not out there conquering. I choose boys, who don't know themselves. Or boys who like to play with fire. Or boys who see me as fire. But never men. Never men who are looking to make this world a better place. Men who believe something so passionately that they have to fight for it. Men who look at me and see something great. So today I wrote my ad for my future husband. Wanted: Man who is out there, making it happen, creating change, and making the world a better place.
Again, Universe if you are listening, I am ready!

Send it back

I am feeling so lonely tonight. I am lost again. I am still alone after a year. I have tried to move on and am still alone. I can't stomach the men that I have dated over the last little while. I don't think I can force myself on another date again. So when this happens I miss D. I spent some time tonight going over my friend's wedding website. I am happy for her. I love looking at this life she is creating for herself. But in all honesty I can't help but think about the life that I want that I am still so far from having. I want the baby, and the home, and the husband. That is what I want. So again I am putting it into the universe. Send it back to me universe! Send it back!

I'm on Fire

OK so what if you go a whole year thinking you are building yourself back up... that you are fighting to get back to the person that you used to be. Only a better version of her. What if you make promises to yourself... like I will never be that girl again. I will never hurt myself again. I will never go back to him. I will never. I will never. Then on the year anniversary of your life changing moment. The day you got off the road that was leading to Miserytownship and got on to the road of Happyville, you decide enough with the happiness that I was feeling and you make a decision so similar to the way you used to be. To the person you used to be. Does that mean everything that you did that year is null and void? I want to be a better person than I was. I want to be a woman who knows what is good for her and does it. I want to be a woman who lives by the mantra "is this a decision a woman a loves herself would make?". Instead I think I am a woman who doesn't want it bad enough. Or hasn't faced the real reason why she makes the bad decisions in the first place. Hours and hours of therapy, thrown away.
Yes I am feeling a tad defeated. So I play I'm on Fire over and over again. Trying to think this out. At least I know this for sure, I love Bruce Springsteen. Bruce do you want to go out with me? Oh wait, I am doing it again.

Second time is a charm

Many things to learn still I guess....
It has been a long two weeks. It always surprises me that when I think that I am going forward I take a step back. It seems like maybe I am going in two different directions, one is pulling me backwards and the other way is running towards something better. I am confused again.
Switching gears hear... I went on a date last night to Stages. It was really fun. The conversation flowed, minimal pauses, very cute boy. I enjoyed it. I even agreed to go on another date next week. Unfortunately, he kissed me at the night. Now the unfortunate part was he was the WORST kisser I have ever experienced. It was all tongue shoved down my throat. I wanted to gag. So I meet a guy who I can talk to, someone I want to hang out with and what happens? I am not attracted to him.
And the one crush I have had in a long time is someone who is totally inappropriate. I should be running away as fast as I can. And I am in a way. I just can't help but wonder, what is wrong with me? Where is the nice man, who I like? Can I have it all?