I want a husband who...........

Today I said to my counsellor, "I want a husband who wants to conquer the world, get out there and make it a better place". She said to me, well I think that is your ad. I have spent a life time settling. Settling for men who are not out there conquering. I choose boys, who don't know themselves. Or boys who like to play with fire. Or boys who see me as fire. But never men. Never men who are looking to make this world a better place. Men who believe something so passionately that they have to fight for it. Men who look at me and see something great. So today I wrote my ad for my future husband. Wanted: Man who is out there, making it happen, creating change, and making the world a better place.
Again, Universe if you are listening, I am ready!

Send it back

I am feeling so lonely tonight. I am lost again. I am still alone after a year. I have tried to move on and am still alone. I can't stomach the men that I have dated over the last little while. I don't think I can force myself on another date again. So when this happens I miss D. I spent some time tonight going over my friend's wedding website. I am happy for her. I love looking at this life she is creating for herself. But in all honesty I can't help but think about the life that I want that I am still so far from having. I want the baby, and the home, and the husband. That is what I want. So again I am putting it into the universe. Send it back to me universe! Send it back!

I'm on Fire

OK so what if you go a whole year thinking you are building yourself back up... that you are fighting to get back to the person that you used to be. Only a better version of her. What if you make promises to yourself... like I will never be that girl again. I will never hurt myself again. I will never go back to him. I will never. I will never. Then on the year anniversary of your life changing moment. The day you got off the road that was leading to Miserytownship and got on to the road of Happyville, you decide enough with the happiness that I was feeling and you make a decision so similar to the way you used to be. To the person you used to be. Does that mean everything that you did that year is null and void? I want to be a better person than I was. I want to be a woman who knows what is good for her and does it. I want to be a woman who lives by the mantra "is this a decision a woman a loves herself would make?". Instead I think I am a woman who doesn't want it bad enough. Or hasn't faced the real reason why she makes the bad decisions in the first place. Hours and hours of therapy, thrown away.
Yes I am feeling a tad defeated. So I play I'm on Fire over and over again. Trying to think this out. At least I know this for sure, I love Bruce Springsteen. Bruce do you want to go out with me? Oh wait, I am doing it again.