Saturday blues

Lately I have had to fight this feeling of unease. I am waking up every morning with a sinking feeling. I am haunted. I am haunted by my choices, and my desires, and my lonileness. I don't know what to do to make this uneasy feeling go away. Every time I see him, the boy I am making poor decisions with I find myself angry at his actions. But I still find a way into his bed. I am the girl who always wants what she can't have. How childish of me to make these kind of decisions. I keep searching for him to make it right, to make me feel balanced, much like the last time. Then I remember in moments of clarity that it doesn't work that way. I waited for D to make me feel better all the time, and the moments became more and more fleeting until I was so unhappy that nothing made it better. This situation is worse in some ways. Because I am risking so much for someone I don't even love. I care about him, but more as a friend than anything. I know that I have a crush. And my desire for him is overwhelming but it is not excuse for my behaviour. I just don't feel right. I can't seem to feel good. Or get to a place of calm. Why does this seem like it happens so often.