Miss Emily

419

We grow accustomed to the Dark—
When light is put away—
As when the Neighbor holds the Lamp
To witness her Goodbye—

A Moment—We uncertain step
For newness of the night—
Then—fit our Vision to the Dark—
And meet the Road—erect—

And so of larger—Darkness—
Those Evenings of the Brain—
When not a Moon disclose a sign—
Or Star—come out—within—

The Bravest—grope a little—
And sometimes hit a Tree
Directly in the Forehead—
But as they learn to see—

Either the Darkness alters—
Or something in the sight
Adjusts itself to Midnight—
And Life steps almost straight.

Emily Dickinson

You learn to cope. The event happens, it changes you and 

you learn to cope.I read this poem years ago, and didn't 

really know what  it was saying. Many of Dickinson's 

words spoke to me. I was infatuated with the woman 

at one point. I loved her haunting language. 

The search to find the meaning. 

The eloquent analogies. Her truth is so brutal, so raw. 

It always gives me pause.  

Thank you Stevie

Another word from our sponser:

Every night that goes between
I feel a little less
As you slowly go away from me
This is only another test

Every day you do not come
Your softness fades away
Did I ever really care that much?
Is there anything left to say?

Every hour of fear I spend
My body tries to cry
Living through each empty night
A deadly call inside

I haven't felt this way I feel
Since many a year ago
But in those years and the lifetimes past
I did not deal with the road

And I did not deal with you I know
Though the love has always been
So I search to find an answer there
So I can truly win

Every hour of fear I spend
My body tries to cry
Living through each empty night
A deadly call inside

So I try to say
Goodbye my friend
I'd like to leave you with something warm
But never have I been a blue calm sea
I have always been a storm

We were frail
She said
"Everynight he will break your heart"
I should have known from the first
I'd be the broken hearted
But I loved you from the start
Save us...
And not all the prayers in the world - could save us

Fleetwood Mac - Storms

Help Baby Molly

There is a local family going through the unthinkable. There baby girl has an aggressive form of leukemia. I really do not have very much to add, except of course my heart goes out to them. I am attaching a link to their blog. You can donate online and it looks like there are several benefits that you can attend and donate at. Check it. Help Molly.

Birthday Dancing!

I am going to be twenty eight in three days.
So instead of absolutely panicking I am going to embrace it. I am throwing myself a birthday dinner with all my friends, which should be great. Then we are going to go out dancing! I haven't done that in forever. Dance it all out. There is nothing like getting my buzz on and dancing in a huge crowd. It is something that made my early twenties what it was. I used to just let loose, and dance among my friends. Kiss the odd boy. It isn't that I want to be that lost twenty something girl. I just want to go out and enjoy the moment like I used to. Where I was so am present in the moment, moving to the music, laughing.... perhaps the alcohol helped that. Either way this is how I am going to spend my birthday. Updates later!!!!!!!!

Sunday realizations

Today I did very little.... well that's not exactly true. I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom. I even scrubbed inside the cupboard under the sink, where I keep the garbage. I washed the white doors on the cabinets in my kitchen, I dusted the bookshelves, I scoured the bathrooms. And now I feel clean. I would say that cleaning for me, at times can be quite therapeutic. Then I went grocery shopping, and picked up items for a delicious soup. Garlic and ginger sizzled in olive oil, then in goes yams and carrots, some apple, red lentils, and broth and let boil. Add spices and presto you have a delicious hearty soup. It was a lovely, slow Sunday. Starting off slow with a book in bed and some coffee. Followed by a hearty breakfast sandwich, complete with wilted spinach and fried ham. Egg was cooked just perfectly if you ask me, although of course no one did. Its funny, as I go along with my day to day living sometimes I have this very prominent thought.... I would make someone a great partner. I say this with utmost caution (because although I am working on the confidence thing, I am not great at tooting my own horn. But I would be good at sharing a Sunday with someone. Sneaking off to the kitchen to make the perfect breakfast sandwich, runny egg and all, and bringing it back to share in bed. I guess what I need is someone who is looking for those kind of moments. The simple intimacy of every day life. D and I never had that, because it was always rushed. Even in the long weekends we had together, there was always a sense that it was going to end. I want more than that. I deserve a man who is not going anywhere on Sunday. Who will not be getting on a ferry, to go back to his wife. I deserve a man who wants me to be his wife.

Birthday time

I went for a walk today along the Gorge walkway. It was a beautiful, crisp day. The sun was shining and the water was calm. You could see the ripples behind the swans as they cut from one bank to the other, crossing the narrow waterway. I went with my godsons and their mom and we pushed the stroller and chatted about what is going on in each others' lives. My birthday is coming up in the next couple of weeks and I am seriously debating what to do. I took the day off, and booked myself a massage for the morning. I figured the day would be filled with pampering and friends. My girlfriend Susan and I are going to go for a manicure and lunch, which I think will be great. I am thinking of topping the night off with a dinner party with my close friends. I just don't want it to be like every other night. I keep thinking that I might want to go out dancing. I just want it to be ok that I am twenty-eight. That I am finally on the right track. It is just scary to approaching thirty and not be married. Not be any closer to having children. I am actually further away than I was a year ago, considering that last year at this time I was pregnant. I know many pieces have been repaired. I just imagined a year would bring me closer to the life I want to lead... yes I know I am closer in many ways. It just feels like I am also going to be the single girl forever. OK, enough pessimism.

2011 here I come!

2010 may have been the longest year of my life. There were times when I was really truly surprised that I got out of bed. There were moments of calm, where the waves the churn my anxiety and fears to the surface were absolutely still. There were moments when the life changing decisions I made were so empowering, and there were times when I thought I must be mad. I cooked (lots of Indian), I joined a book club and made new friends, and I really connected with the ones I had. Friday night dinners became something I really looked forward to. I kissed new people. I hated it. I moved. I actually bought my own condo. I took a trip to Paris. With my mother and it was wonderful. I sat on the rocks in Tofino and let the sun beat down on me, and I felt peaceful. I survived Christmas and New Years without him. I didn't call him once. I have been brave. I have grown. I have been to the bottom and I survived. I actually came out better than I would have ever suspected.

So with all that being said, I know now there are things that I want for the 2011. I want to keep growing. 2010 was the most growth I may have ever had in one year, but I do not want to become stagnant. On New Year's Eve on three little pieces of paper I wrote the things I didn't want to take into 2011. I wrote "loneliness", "low self esteem" and "wanting D in my life". I think these are three huge goals that will not happen over night.

What am I going to do to get to the results that I want? Well the first thing is I joined a group that is focusing on healthy living. Every day I get points for drinking enough water (3 L - which to say the least is causing me to pee every 10 minutes), sleeping enough, eating well, not drinking, flossing, etc. It has been a great way to focus on living well. Which is really going to help me improve my self esteem. I think if I live well, I might start to lose weight, and feel more confident about how I look. Essentially this is all cyclical. All of these interconnected things that make me who I am. So I am working on the building blocks.
I am going to focus on being present in the moment. Like enjoying perfect sunsets from my balcony apartment. I am going to take a trip this year where I get to sleep in, eat good foods and go for long walks on the beach. I want to float in Kal Lake and feel weightless on a hot Okanagan summer day. I am going to keep going to counselling, and work towards moving on from D. I am finally going to send that letter. I am going to let go of him. I am going to finish Calling in the One. And I am going to start dating... sometime this year. I am going to revel in my work crush, because it makes me feel alive. I am going to work hard and apply for a new job before the year is out. I am going to look for the perfect pillows for my living room, and really make this a home. I am going to hang out with my wonderful friends and party in Vegas. I want to lose weight. And have beautiful hair. I want to learn how to cook Thai. I am going to throw myself a beautiful birthday party. I am going to kick lonlieness' ass. I am going to work on being whole again.