Break even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even

Love it................ Just saying. Last day of work. New beginning. Feels like D has no idea where I am in the Universe anymore. Very strange. I wanted to take him with me on this journey so badly and found out along the way that he is no longer coming with me. So we diverged and I am coming back to a new life, and I am also seizing the day and going travelling without him. So excited for Paris. I guess there will be silence on my end for a bit. But hope everyone has a good couple of weeks. I will be back when I get to Vernon.

I am

It is a perfect summer night. I am sitting on my bed with my deck door swung open. I can feel a slight breeze, and can almost hear the ocean in the distance. OK so I can't hear the ocean, but I can feel its presence, in every rustle of leaves, in the soft way the wind blows, in that slightly salty taste on the air. I love summer nights. I have been struggling with my new identity for months now. Struggling to discover myself again. I used to as a young girl, every time I started a journal write a list of things that I am. Like I am romantic, I am intelligent, I am fat, I am a good friend, I am afraid, I am alone. I would write the I am as the truth that I saw. If I did it now I think that I would find such a different girl than I was seven months ago. I might be afraid, but somehow I am not as much as I was. I feel like I have weathered an awful storm, and come out the other side of it a different person. I thought that the new me would be more cynical, more afraid of love. It is funny that I have even been denying that side of me, the girl who believes in things like love that lasts forever. I am a romantic. I still am. He didn't kill it. He might have even made it worse. I think I will love D until my heart stops, and possibly even after. But I will never be that girl again. The girl who chose to stay in the painful relationship so that I wouldn't have to live without him. Elizabeth Gilbert said that in Eat, Love, Pray. She spoke about loving someone so much that the proposition of staying in a painful relationship was something worth considering, as long as you never had to lose that person. I was not brave enough to leave like she was. I was not even brave enough to do what D did. Although I don't know if he did it because he was brave or just afraid. Afraid of losing his family, of having a failed marriage. Part of me still wishes he loved me enough to be afraid of hurting me. Of losing me.
So I am brave now. I am still romantic. I am full of courage. I am trying to be happy. I am hopeful. I am ... I am... I am....

Venting

I need to use this to vent some fears, and some frustrations. I am living with my new roommate whom I normally adore. With this being said since I moved in with her I am annoyed with the constant questions. I feel like she is constantly asking me if I am OK. Well to be honest I am not OK. I miss having my living room quiet. I miss coming home and being able to sit. I want to be able to clean and not have it be messy two seconds later. I realize this is the situation when you have kids, but this is not my life yet. I wanted it to be my life but its not. I do not have kids. I do not think I am ready to have this life. It is Saturday night and I spent the night going to the park, helping with bath time, feeding one of the boys and putting them to bed. I organized dinner around what time the boys would be in bed. I am now sitting alone in the dark in my living room at 1130pm. I am liking the quiet but beyond that I am single and alone on a Saturday night. It is borderline depressing. I do not know how to approach this.... I know I need to say something to my new roommate about how this is not working for me but I have no idea how to broach this topic. I put myself in this situation but I have no idea how to diplomatically get myself out of it. Fuck balls.

Afraid of Change, who me?

I am sort of renowned for my fear of change. I never do well with encroaching change, even if it is meant to be positive change. This does not go to say that I do not roll with the punches when they fly, and that I as of late I have really proven that I am capable of change. Since this devastating change with D I am now secure in the knowledge that I am fully capable of picking myself up and dusting myself off. I can handle change. I just don't have to like it. So it is with this that I am taking a giant step forward in my career. I am going to fight for the life that I want. I didn't like my place at work, and it just took some focus of energy. I expended so much energy trying to make D and I work. I lived and breathed our relationship in order to make it even be a semblance of a relationship. I have found that since I started putting that energy into other things like finding a job that will make me happy, and bring less financial difficulty I am succeeding. I was told about a year before D and I broke up by my sister's psychic that if I managed to move away from D I would find the things that would make me happy. Like love. She said she could see that I was in a dark room and I couldn't see a way out when I was with D. She also said that the man for me was just outside the door lurking, waiting for me to see what I really wanted. I just had to really move on from D. I left there carrying this hope in my heart but also scoffing at it. Afraid of a life without D. Wanting him to be my person and also knowing at the same time I wanted more happiness in my life than what he was giving me. I am excited about the opportunity to find out what I can bring into my life. What happiness can I make? I hope that this job will be a step in the right direction. I am nervous but carrying high hopes.
On another note I would like to say just eight more sleeps till Paris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Satan's best disguise is man

I was going to talk about the fact that today  I found out that I got the much coveted job I recently interviewed for (and believe me I will be discussing this very soon!) but I find myself wanting to say more how grateful I am for the things that have come into my life since I let go of D. I was talking to my very wise sister tonight, and she was telling me how proud she was of me, and how far I have come in just a few short months. She said that she had never seen me be so low and anxious as I was with D, and how I there was literally nothing that could tear me away from my phone. She said that she was proud of me for going for it, for saying that I was not going to settle for the life I had. I am building a new life, and it is a life to be proud of. My very wise sister also said that Satan best disguises himself as men, and that she will from now on be referring to my ex as Satan. I couldn't help but laugh. She knows exactly how to mix the best parts of profound thought with ridiculous humour. I miss living in the same town as her.
I am so excited to be starting something new. To have a new opportunity and to have a chance to make something of myself. I was so tired of my job and the office politics. I needed change and I went out and sought it. Somehow I feel like I earned this break. This chance to continue with positive change. More later... bed is calling.

James Joyce move over

I just spent the weekend at my friends' wedding. It was beautiful french garden party themed wedding, with beautiful white lights, a live three stringed quartet and great company made this one of the loveliest weddings I have ever attended. Two long tables were set with white linen, candles and beautiful fresh flowers in an assortment of colours. The tables were topped off with basket laden with rustic bread, yummy cheeses, olives,  jams, butter and a bottle of wine. It was the perfect appetizers and a very unique touch.

I had a fantastic time and couldn't help but feel a little envious at all the happy couples surrounding me. I would like to be able to find someone. I miss D when I got to things like this, I imagine the wedding we would have had. I think we would have been happy together if it had been another time, another place. I think our wedding would have been beautiful, envious to others. If we had only started differently, worked harder, loved better. But then I would be married to a man capable of such hate towards me. Such cruelty. So will I have a chance at love? Will someone love me like the people I saw at the wedding. Will I have a person to walk through life with? And if I don't will I be happy in the end.

My job, my life?

As of late I really dislike my job. I do not want to be there, and dread my time there. I work in an office filled with petty women who can not seem to get out of there high school mentality. I want to work with grown-ups. I can not believe that it is not an expectation, and my supervisor instead of congratulating my excellent work performance wants to create problems for me. She even acknowledges how great I work and still yesterday dragged me into a meeting to say that I am pointing out too many errors. She also said that the people that I point their errors out to do not like me - shocking! I work in a place the breeds mediocrity and instead of encouraging people to rise to a higher level. My boss's level of intelligence is below par, and it is unfortunate that she is even my superior. I am so tired of having to deal with someone who does not even have a great work ethic herself. So I need to consider what I really want to do with my life. Who do I really want to be. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I didn't do it right.
This past Tuesday I had an interview, in which I attempted to put my very best foot forwarded. Although I am dying for a new job and a new opportunity I wonder if my heart is in government. I feel so limited here. I need to make some serious decisions, like do I want to go back to school? Do I want to try and write a book? Mr. Frost I defer to you, the road less traveled and all of the cliches it entails. It is funny that although it has become a cliche, it is a solid truth as well. More on the path chosen later. This is the weekend of my friends wedding, so lots of exciting events. I am currently sitting on the couch recovering from Shabbat last night. Happy weekend everyone!

New roommate.... new challenges?

So many changes. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't deal well with change usually but somehow I have taken this in a stride. My roommate moved out over the weekend while I was away at a bachelorette party (more on that escapade later) and my new roommate moved in. When I arrived home there was stuff everywhere, a baby crying and my stuff had been moved around. The truth is I walked in and realized by life had been changed pretty drastically in a matter of a few days. Somehow I have not really freaked out. Its seems like it will be easy to live with C (new roommate). Even though I was absolutely exhausted and hungover when I arrived home, we made it work. There are a few things I really need to figure out... like hearing the baby in the middle of the night, the early morning, the energy spent looking after babies... somehow I need to make it all work. I am going to learn a lot about boundaries. I am going to learn what I need to be happy. This will perhaps be an excellent way for me to come more into my own. So here's the positive spin, and more later on this new twist in the journey.