It is a perfect summer night. I am sitting on my bed with my deck door swung open. I can feel a slight breeze, and can almost hear the ocean in the distance. OK so I can't hear the ocean, but I can feel its presence, in every rustle of leaves, in the soft way the wind blows, in that slightly salty taste on the air. I love summer nights. I have been struggling with my new identity for months now. Struggling to discover myself again. I used to as a young girl, every time I started a journal write a list of things that I am. Like I am romantic, I am intelligent, I am fat, I am a good friend, I am afraid, I am alone. I would write the I am as the truth that I saw. If I did it now I think that I would find such a different girl than I was seven months ago. I might be afraid, but somehow I am not as much as I was. I feel like I have weathered an awful storm, and come out the other side of it a different person. I thought that the new me would be more cynical, more afraid of love. It is funny that I have even been denying that side of me, the girl who believes in things like love that lasts forever. I am a romantic. I still am. He didn't kill it. He might have even made it worse. I think I will love D until my heart stops, and possibly even after. But I will never be that girl again. The girl who chose to stay in the painful relationship so that I wouldn't have to live without him. Elizabeth Gilbert said that in Eat, Love, Pray. She spoke about loving someone so much that the proposition of staying in a painful relationship was something worth considering, as long as you never had to lose that person. I was not brave enough to leave like she was. I was not even brave enough to do what D did. Although I don't know if he did it because he was brave or just afraid. Afraid of losing his family, of having a failed marriage. Part of me still wishes he loved me enough to be afraid of hurting me. Of losing me.
So I am brave now. I am still romantic. I am full of courage. I am trying to be happy. I am hopeful. I am ... I am... I am....
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