Calling in the one????

"I open myself fully to give and receive love". This is the main premise of the exercise I am working on. A couple of weeks ago my therapist suggested that I start reading Calling in the one, and this weekend I picked up the book and have started to work on the lessons. The first lesson is a mediation with the mantra "I open myself fully to give and receive love". Now I am going to be a little honest here and say that some of this makes me think that this is bullshit. But then part of me wants to believe that it is possible. So I am going to do the course from start to finish, with each practice. I need D not to be the end of my love life. I need to get over him and stop thinking about him so often. I cry in the shower remembering last year, and how romantic he was during the holiday season. I loved him so much. I am still so heartbroken and I am tired of it. I also want to be in a happy, healthy relationship. So lets see if this book can bring in love to me. To make me see clearly who I want to be with. I have spent the year with myself, with many ups and downs. I am ready for the next step. Whether it be finally confronting D, or letting go of him forever, or moving on with someone else. I want to believe that there is someone for me. I am ready to explore this. Perhaps not with the men I am currently seeing, but a clean slate.

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!

Oh the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful! And since we have no place to go, let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
It is snowing, big white beautiful flakes. I am sitting in bed, after a lovely dinner party (a menu of tomato bochaccini salad, crisp greens in a balsamic dressing, white Tuscan bean soup with winter greens, and hearty bread - oh yes and lots of wine!) and watching the snowflakes fall. I love the first snow, it always gives me such hope. It brings promise of my favorite time of year, when the I get to spend time with my family and friends. Lots of dinner parties, and visiting with the ones I love. Unfortunately Christmas also makes me think of D, and the way he would hold me under the covers, pressed against him, as the snow fell. He was so romantic at this time of year. My favorite date we ever had was the first time he took me looking at Christmas lights. It was such a thoughtful, romantic gesture that ended up being a tradition. There were some wonderful things about D, and it saddens me that when I remember the good times they are tarnished with something so terrible.
On Monday I had a Mediterranean Vegetarian cooking class with Heidi Fink. It was fabulous! And so far I have tried two of her recipes, the Tuscan White Bean soup with winter greens, and I have also had a try with the biscotti. Both turned out exceptionally well. Both were also easy to make. More about that later. i am going to curl up in bed and turn my lamp off and enjoy the snow. Good night world. Good night.

One Building block in

I am moved in... and settling in. I love some aspects of my new apartment so much. Like how I can sit in my bed and look out my huge picture window at the yellow leaves blowing in the wind on the tree across the lawn. I can curl up in my chair and see all my favorites books feet from my finger tips. How everything is elegant and white. I like that I now own a china cabinet. I can finally see all my beautiful bowels, and matching dishes. I like the bright white baseboards, it looks so chic.
So I thought I would share a couple of photos, and let you see how things are coming together.

My cosy living room

my beautiful bookshelf and the table to have my dinner parties at!

My new couches and fireplace!

The kitchen needs a little work but it definitely gets stuff done

My Front entrance way with the new shabby chic table!

The front door. Pictures from my time in southern Spain framed on the wall

My dresser in my bedroom. Its so big! I love all the storage.

My bedroom

The spare room... guests welcome

After all the searching, packing, stressing I am moved in. I am settling. I am still working on the life building. One block down and in place!

A partner

I am sitting in bed, sipping on coffee with Bailey's and generally enjoying my morning. I finally slept in, I just gave myself over to staying in bed and really refused to give up. I am going to spend the day in my apartment trying to clean up and settle in. I have decided to get a roommate to help me with my mortgage... save myself from being house poor. So I posted an ad on craigslist and usedvictoria and am hoping someone I really want to live here will be able to move in. I am dreaming of someone who really isn't home much. I know how that sounds but I have really enjoyed living in my apartment all by myself. Doing what I want, when I want it.
I guess in the deepest part of my heart what I really want is to meet a man, who fills this hole that has recently been growing. I want to have a relationship where he lives with me, and we build a life together in this apartment. That is what I really want. A partner. Why is it everywhere I go there seems to be couples? All my friends are in couples. They are part of a team. And yet I am alone, still. Dreaming of calling D and trying to work things out. It's crazy.

Whole lotta of empty

Life has been interesting. Since I moved I have been feeling this overwhelming feeling to call D and try and work things out. Or at the very least try and make it a bearable ending. I was devastated that we ended so terribly. I find when I start to meet new men, even date, that as soon as one of them pisses me off I want to run back to D. Not that he never pissed me off, just that I loved him enough to want to work it out. I do not know what is wrong with me. I had an encounter with one of the men that in the past I have gone on several dates with, and recently have been hooking up with. So when I was chatting with him tonight he was beyond rude to me. The old me might have allowed for that. I just don't want to ever waste my time again. I know that he is not the guy for me anyways, but I was hoping for a hook up buddy. Someone to keep me occupied until I find the courage to date again. Moving forward has turned out to be tricky. I want to be better... I want to be cured of my heartbreak, and over him. Time. That's all I hear and I want to believe that a time will come when it doesn't ache anymore. BUT EIGHT MONTHS later I can still barely breath.
Two years ago this week, he left me to get married. I thought nothing would ever hurt as badly as him leaving me that week. The truth is that if I had just been brave, and realized then what I realize now I would saved my self years of heartache. Years of anxiety and tears. I loved him so deeply that I forgot to love me. Now I work hard to love me, but find myself missing him so often and so overwhelmingly that I wonder what progress have I made? I need to focus on the fact that I have made progress! This year I have taken every class I could get my hands on, I went to counselling, I refocused on the relationships that mattered, I got a new job, and I bought a condo and MOVED. So why does it feel like I am not whole?

Building a home

My room is pretty much unpacked. I mean there are still things to be done and odds and ends that need a home but overall I think I am figuring it out. It is weird not being sure where you live. To feel like a stranger in your own living room. I come home and do not know what to expect while I am here. I mean, do I eat in the living room? How do I feel about eating on the new furniture? I keep gravitating back to my bedroom, because at least here things feel familiar. I recognize things in this room. In the other rooms I can not help but feel like I don't really have a place here yet. So I guess little by little I am making a home, it is just taking longer than I expected.

New Kisses

I moved. I am sitting on my beautiful bed, in my newly painted home. I am alone. I am not sure if I feel lonely per say. I think I just am very aware of the fact that D has no idea where I am. Not only does he not know where I am in, I have no idea where he is either. I miss having somewhere to share my thoughts with. To talk about my day with. I miss regular sex with someone I am in love with.
I had one of my gentlemen friends stay the over the other night. It was strange having someone new in my bed. Someone who held me differently. He kissed differently too. Softer, with less need. D always kissed me with so much need behind it. Like if we stopped kissing the world might not stop. I miss that feeling of being so in love with someone. I wonder if I would have loved him so much if he had not always said the right thing. Like when he came back from his wedding, the morning he called me I was crying so hard with the pain and fear of losing him. He said to me, "I will always come back". I wondered why he did that. If it was a lie, why say it. In the end it was his words that ended up leading us down a path that we shouldn't have gone on. He spent all this time trying to convince me of the way he loved me, and if he had just said, "I am leaving you", we wouldn't have ended up so in love. So entangled. So much hurt. It sucks that he had to go so far to only end up breaking my heart.
I feel like I should be so excited about all the things that are going on, but a big part of me is just exhausted. I want to stay in bed and watch movies and cry. I need some time to really get over these things. I feel like I am not over it yet. I have lots of grieving. I need some closure. I almost want to call D and just say all the things that have gone unsaid.