Life has been interesting. Since I moved I have been feeling this overwhelming feeling to call D and try and work things out. Or at the very least try and make it a bearable ending. I was devastated that we ended so terribly. I find when I start to meet new men, even date, that as soon as one of them pisses me off I want to run back to D. Not that he never pissed me off, just that I loved him enough to want to work it out. I do not know what is wrong with me. I had an encounter with one of the men that in the past I have gone on several dates with, and recently have been hooking up with. So when I was chatting with him tonight he was beyond rude to me. The old me might have allowed for that. I just don't want to ever waste my time again. I know that he is not the guy for me anyways, but I was hoping for a hook up buddy. Someone to keep me occupied until I find the courage to date again. Moving forward has turned out to be tricky. I want to be better... I want to be cured of my heartbreak, and over him. Time. That's all I hear and I want to believe that a time will come when it doesn't ache anymore. BUT EIGHT MONTHS later I can still barely breath.
Two years ago this week, he left me to get married. I thought nothing would ever hurt as badly as him leaving me that week. The truth is that if I had just been brave, and realized then what I realize now I would saved my self years of heartache. Years of anxiety and tears. I loved him so deeply that I forgot to love me. Now I work hard to love me, but find myself missing him so often and so overwhelmingly that I wonder what progress have I made? I need to focus on the fact that I have made progress! This year I have taken every class I could get my hands on, I went to counselling, I refocused on the relationships that mattered, I got a new job, and I bought a condo and MOVED. So why does it feel like I am not whole?
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