New Kisses

I moved. I am sitting on my beautiful bed, in my newly painted home. I am alone. I am not sure if I feel lonely per say. I think I just am very aware of the fact that D has no idea where I am. Not only does he not know where I am in, I have no idea where he is either. I miss having somewhere to share my thoughts with. To talk about my day with. I miss regular sex with someone I am in love with.
I had one of my gentlemen friends stay the over the other night. It was strange having someone new in my bed. Someone who held me differently. He kissed differently too. Softer, with less need. D always kissed me with so much need behind it. Like if we stopped kissing the world might not stop. I miss that feeling of being so in love with someone. I wonder if I would have loved him so much if he had not always said the right thing. Like when he came back from his wedding, the morning he called me I was crying so hard with the pain and fear of losing him. He said to me, "I will always come back". I wondered why he did that. If it was a lie, why say it. In the end it was his words that ended up leading us down a path that we shouldn't have gone on. He spent all this time trying to convince me of the way he loved me, and if he had just said, "I am leaving you", we wouldn't have ended up so in love. So entangled. So much hurt. It sucks that he had to go so far to only end up breaking my heart.
I feel like I should be so excited about all the things that are going on, but a big part of me is just exhausted. I want to stay in bed and watch movies and cry. I need some time to really get over these things. I feel like I am not over it yet. I have lots of grieving. I need some closure. I almost want to call D and just say all the things that have gone unsaid.