Trying hard not to wish him back to me

I went to my friend's Mexican fiesta last night... it was really a good time with tons of distractions. Unfortunately a couple of my friends think the way to recovery is through the bottle. I have no desire to get drunk and lose control. I am so afraid that if I lose control for even a moment I will never stop crying. Or worse that feeling of absolute despair will stick with me no matter what I do. No amount of alcohol or drugs is going to bring him back, or make me him at least call me to tell me how sorry he is for being so horrible. I have been daydreaming about texting him to ask him to call me for some closure, but will that actually help? Or will I just miss him so much more. I am so curious to know what is going on. Did she leave him? Or did she promise to try and work it out? Are they in Mexico right now, lying on a beach, happy? How can he be happy after what he did to me. He couldn't have faked all that emotions for five years. He would have to be a psychopath. So I want to believe that throughout the day he thinks of me and feels terribly sad. I hope is unbearable so that he is driven to call me. Part of me knows D though, and realizes he will be looking at this logically and know that we will never get away from each other if we stay in contact.
The goal for today. Do not daydream about him coming back. DO not wish it or covet it. Just try really hard to focus on myself, what will make my day good.... I am going to watch the Canadian Men play hockey!!! And hopefully kick the USA's ass! The knot in my stomach will fade just got to keep pushing forward.

A Tiny Failure

I turned it on this morning (my phone that is), and he hasn't called. I realize that is probably a good thing but it hurts. Like a huge searing pain ripping through my insides. I find this strange though; he hasn't deleted me from his messenger contacts. Why hasn't he done that? I know you are thinking why haven't I deleted him? Well the answer is so far I do not have the heart to tell myself I am never going to speak to him again. So I just leave it and secretly hope that he will at least text me an apology. BUT then am I only worth a texted apology? Where did I put my self worth? For god sakes I must be somewhat insane to keep putting myself in these painful positions. Everyone around me keeps saying that there is something better for me. But isn't that what people tell people when they are hurting?
I stayed somewhat busy last night and even managed to go out to a pub, sans drinking, with my friends last night. It was an excellent distraction and I felt somewhat normal. However fleeting the moments of normality are they are becoming more frequent.
Today one of my best friends is supposed to come in from Vancouver to spend the day with me... circumstances allowing. I would love it if I could see her. She is one of the strongest human beings I have ever met. Someone that I could learn from. I am going to spend the day with her if possible or one of my girls. DISTRACTION again. Then off to a Mexican fiesta at another friend's house.
My goal for the day laugh a little. Cry a little less. Think of him even less. Remember he isn't thinking of me! Wow even writing that hurt. Oh well truth hurts.

Still breathing

I did it. NO PHONE all day! The most tempting part of the day was when I was alone in the morning. Although I spent a lot of time alone yesterday. I only cried twice. They were serious cries but they stopped. I am obsessing over the what if game. "What if I told him I was keeping it so he would have been forced to tell me the truth", "what if I could talk to him again, what would I say".... "what if I could have gotten my head together and told her my version of the story so she doesn't just hear his lies". I could play this game all day. I am trying so hard to be OK but my mind is playing games with me. I wake up remembering some fun thing the two of us did, and I remember how happy I was. Like when he was a the naked chef on my birthday, and spent the whole time dressed just in an apron. He even grilled outside dressed like that... it was hilarious and fun. And the key to this story is I felt special which didn't happen enough.
Last night I went to dinner at some friends' house. They tore a strip into (hmmm it just occurred to me I should probably give him a name - lets call him D) D. And how he showed his true colours. I guess it made my whole body hurt. I know they said it with love but it HURTS to hear that someone I loved so strongly and blindly could just throw me away. They all say in a year I will look back on this and think it was the best thing that ever happened to me. My fear is I will be alone in a year and still wake up missing him. The him I thought I knew. I would have staked my life that I knew D better than anyone. I guess he was hiding a really dark side of himself. One of my friends kept saying you deserve someone who is just yours. WHY WHY WHY do I not believe that. And why is there this part of me that hopes he will come back?
So today I am off to a Kelowna to visit Costco with my family... distractions are key. I know I only have a little over a week left here at home and I worry about what it will be like when I am put back into my life. Well as my Mom keeps saying, "baby steps". I can't believe that it has already been a week since he did this. Since he left. Surprisingly still breathing.

The challenge - not turning on my phone

I woke up this morning, feeling a sense of loss that was so huge I do not know how I got out of bed. I keep thinking of my phone, sitting on my shelf. Waiting for me to turn it on. It is a slow torture. If I turn it on and he hasn't called to at least aplogize for treating me like the dirt beneath his shoe I think my heart will break. If he has called me though I won't have the strength not to reply. Even though he treated me like I wasn't even human. So instead I do other things. Like yesterday I bowled. I have not been bowling in about ten years and I was pathetic. But at least it had nothing to do with him.
So today is stretching out before me. It is the first day since the ambush that I am being left completely alone. For hours. No one in my family or friends have left me alone for more than a couple of hours at a time so far. For godsakes I am not even sleeping alone, due to the fact I wake up crying and hysterical. So the question is what am I going to do today, now that I am all alone in my head? Why is it that being alone, being given time to think about the pain is the hardest thing about break ups. I have replayed that last day in my head a thousand times. The very normal conversations we had leading up to the moment he left. The way he called me "babe" in front of his wife.... like it was second nature.
Ok so enough of that dwelling for now. The challenge I am proposing to myself for today. DO NOT TURN ON YOUR PHONE. No matter what I will not turn my phone on today. Instead I am going to take my dogs for a walk.... and contemplate what to do with the rest of my day. Wish me luck.

The Beginning

I am going to be brutally honest because I truly believe if this project is going to help I have to start with the truth. So here it goes. I have been involved with a married man for close to five years... short a couple of months. I loved him with one of those all consuming, organize your life around the person, lose yourself at all costs kind of loves. I seriously spent every day planning for his next call, his next text, his next visit. I fed off his lies of love and his promise to take care of me. I believed him when he said I was his little angel. Obviously over time it will become abundantely clear that I am insecure, with very little self esteem. It will also become obvious that I am a romantic and was desperate for love. I needed to believe him.
So here is what happened. I got pregnant. About four weeks ago I discovered that we were pregnant. In a whirl wind we made the decision to not keep the baby. I will never know if I made the right decision because in all honestly I based so much of the decision on what he said, and what I thought was the truth. He said he would be there to support me, that he loved me and would never leave me. And then his wife found out. She saw a text message from me. After all this time she found out now. I have no excuse for my behaviour. Honestly I doubt this blog will spend much time even discussing this behaviour... we will see. The story continues when he doesn't tell me she found out and plans an ambush. He comes on the day of the procedure. He holds my hand. He makes jokes about this and that. He kisses me softly and cuddles me. He is there for the entire procedure. Acting strong. He takes me home afterward, drugged and feeling the lowest I have ever felt. He heats up a bean bag and tucks me. Suggests that we cuddle in my room so I can get some sleep. THEN ambushes me. Tells me he is leaving and that he will never call, text or talk to me again. He starts walking out the door. LITERALLY. If you can picture it I am drugged out of my mind while the love of my life leaves me. To make matters worse his parents come with his wife to pick him up. His parents attack me with their anger... and his wife kills me with kindness.
Which brings me here. Six days since the world fell out from under me. Six days of trying to remember to eat and drink. Waking up in tears. And clinging to my family and friends for dear life. So this project is to see if I can get me back. If you keep reading you might find that I was once an interesting girl. A nice girl. A person with some promise. Lets see if I can get me back.