I woke up this morning, feeling a sense of loss that was so huge I do not know how I got out of bed. I keep thinking of my phone, sitting on my shelf. Waiting for me to turn it on. It is a slow torture. If I turn it on and he hasn't called to at least aplogize for treating me like the dirt beneath his shoe I think my heart will break. If he has called me though I won't have the strength not to reply. Even though he treated me like I wasn't even human. So instead I do other things. Like yesterday I bowled. I have not been bowling in about ten years and I was pathetic. But at least it had nothing to do with him.
So today is stretching out before me. It is the first day since the ambush that I am being left completely alone. For hours. No one in my family or friends have left me alone for more than a couple of hours at a time so far. For godsakes I am not even sleeping alone, due to the fact I wake up crying and hysterical. So the question is what am I going to do today, now that I am all alone in my head? Why is it that being alone, being given time to think about the pain is the hardest thing about break ups. I have replayed that last day in my head a thousand times. The very normal conversations we had leading up to the moment he left. The way he called me "babe" in front of his wife.... like it was second nature.
Ok so enough of that dwelling for now. The challenge I am proposing to myself for today. DO NOT TURN ON YOUR PHONE. No matter what I will not turn my phone on today. Instead I am going to take my dogs for a walk.... and contemplate what to do with the rest of my day. Wish me luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment