Still breathing

I did it. NO PHONE all day! The most tempting part of the day was when I was alone in the morning. Although I spent a lot of time alone yesterday. I only cried twice. They were serious cries but they stopped. I am obsessing over the what if game. "What if I told him I was keeping it so he would have been forced to tell me the truth", "what if I could talk to him again, what would I say".... "what if I could have gotten my head together and told her my version of the story so she doesn't just hear his lies". I could play this game all day. I am trying so hard to be OK but my mind is playing games with me. I wake up remembering some fun thing the two of us did, and I remember how happy I was. Like when he was a the naked chef on my birthday, and spent the whole time dressed just in an apron. He even grilled outside dressed like that... it was hilarious and fun. And the key to this story is I felt special which didn't happen enough.
Last night I went to dinner at some friends' house. They tore a strip into (hmmm it just occurred to me I should probably give him a name - lets call him D) D. And how he showed his true colours. I guess it made my whole body hurt. I know they said it with love but it HURTS to hear that someone I loved so strongly and blindly could just throw me away. They all say in a year I will look back on this and think it was the best thing that ever happened to me. My fear is I will be alone in a year and still wake up missing him. The him I thought I knew. I would have staked my life that I knew D better than anyone. I guess he was hiding a really dark side of himself. One of my friends kept saying you deserve someone who is just yours. WHY WHY WHY do I not believe that. And why is there this part of me that hopes he will come back?
So today I am off to a Kelowna to visit Costco with my family... distractions are key. I know I only have a little over a week left here at home and I worry about what it will be like when I am put back into my life. Well as my Mom keeps saying, "baby steps". I can't believe that it has already been a week since he did this. Since he left. Surprisingly still breathing.