I went to my friend's Mexican fiesta last night... it was really a good time with tons of distractions. Unfortunately a couple of my friends think the way to recovery is through the bottle. I have no desire to get drunk and lose control. I am so afraid that if I lose control for even a moment I will never stop crying. Or worse that feeling of absolute despair will stick with me no matter what I do. No amount of alcohol or drugs is going to bring him back, or make me him at least call me to tell me how sorry he is for being so horrible. I have been daydreaming about texting him to ask him to call me for some closure, but will that actually help? Or will I just miss him so much more. I am so curious to know what is going on. Did she leave him? Or did she promise to try and work it out? Are they in Mexico right now, lying on a beach, happy? How can he be happy after what he did to me. He couldn't have faked all that emotions for five years. He would have to be a psychopath. So I want to believe that throughout the day he thinks of me and feels terribly sad. I hope is unbearable so that he is driven to call me. Part of me knows D though, and realizes he will be looking at this logically and know that we will never get away from each other if we stay in contact.
The goal for today. Do not daydream about him coming back. DO not wish it or covet it. Just try really hard to focus on myself, what will make my day good.... I am going to watch the Canadian Men play hockey!!! And hopefully kick the USA's ass! The knot in my stomach will fade just got to keep pushing forward.
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