The Beginning

I am going to be brutally honest because I truly believe if this project is going to help I have to start with the truth. So here it goes. I have been involved with a married man for close to five years... short a couple of months. I loved him with one of those all consuming, organize your life around the person, lose yourself at all costs kind of loves. I seriously spent every day planning for his next call, his next text, his next visit. I fed off his lies of love and his promise to take care of me. I believed him when he said I was his little angel. Obviously over time it will become abundantely clear that I am insecure, with very little self esteem. It will also become obvious that I am a romantic and was desperate for love. I needed to believe him.
So here is what happened. I got pregnant. About four weeks ago I discovered that we were pregnant. In a whirl wind we made the decision to not keep the baby. I will never know if I made the right decision because in all honestly I based so much of the decision on what he said, and what I thought was the truth. He said he would be there to support me, that he loved me and would never leave me. And then his wife found out. She saw a text message from me. After all this time she found out now. I have no excuse for my behaviour. Honestly I doubt this blog will spend much time even discussing this behaviour... we will see. The story continues when he doesn't tell me she found out and plans an ambush. He comes on the day of the procedure. He holds my hand. He makes jokes about this and that. He kisses me softly and cuddles me. He is there for the entire procedure. Acting strong. He takes me home afterward, drugged and feeling the lowest I have ever felt. He heats up a bean bag and tucks me. Suggests that we cuddle in my room so I can get some sleep. THEN ambushes me. Tells me he is leaving and that he will never call, text or talk to me again. He starts walking out the door. LITERALLY. If you can picture it I am drugged out of my mind while the love of my life leaves me. To make matters worse his parents come with his wife to pick him up. His parents attack me with their anger... and his wife kills me with kindness.
Which brings me here. Six days since the world fell out from under me. Six days of trying to remember to eat and drink. Waking up in tears. And clinging to my family and friends for dear life. So this project is to see if I can get me back. If you keep reading you might find that I was once an interesting girl. A nice girl. A person with some promise. Lets see if I can get me back.