Hurricane D

I keep hearing "we belong together baby" over and over in my head by Maria Carie. A little getoutthepinkbicandtakethatlastbath kind of music. He left me in the most terrible way imaginable and he isn't sorry about it. Or at least to my knowledge. So I sometimes need to replay our tragic ending and cry in the shower. I do not have therapy this week, which is of my own doing. I am trying to ween my way down to every other week because although it is helping I need to be the cure. I just might not be ready to stop talking about D. He is the train wreck I am recovering from.

I went to Beaver Lake this weekend with my friends for a birthday picnic. I was sitting in the gorgeous sunshine, enjoying the view and the happening soccer game my friends were playing, and yet I was huddled in deep discussion with one of my girlfriends who compared what happened to me to being raped. Now I would never presume to know what that is like I imagine there are some similar elements, like the violation and the sense of betrayal. What he did was such a violation of everything we were, and all the rights I had to make the right decision about the baby.  I don't know how he manages to creep into my present so often. Sitting at the lake enjoying a picnic and all of a sudden he is there in my mind, in my heart. I must learn how to keep him from invading my present. He is my past not my future.

Today I bought a journal and on the cover it says,
           
              today I had a conversation with my true self.
              She asked me why I had abandoned her,
              why I had ignored all her constant advice.
              And then she reminded me of all the things
              I had forgotten.
              And never once
              did she say,
             "I told you so."

I feel in love with it because this is me. I ignored my inner voice for so long, I forgot what she sounded like. Who she was. I missed her so much. She was trying to protect me this whole time from the Hurricane that is D, if only I had sought refuge in her boarded up home, hidden in the basement. I should have ran to her so many times and let myself be taken in. Instead I chose to weather the storm above ground, out in the open and I was wounded, almost mortally so. I need to really learn this. To remember this lesson. To carry it with me wherever I go. I feel like this one will be really important.