Thoughts from my patio

I am out sitting on my patio this morning, nursing a hangover. It is gorgeous and sunny here today, and what I should be doing is going to the beach but I can not seem to get the strength together to go. Last night was interesting, I spent the evening celebrating my friend's birthday in a group of women. The reason that they are all women is because they are also all lesbians. It was wonderful having a man free night, but unfortunately for me those seem more often than not lately. I miss him lately when I wake up. I dream about him at night. He has seeped into my daily conscious again. I am struggling all over again with the concept that he doesn't care what happens to me. I almost don't believe, the cruelty is too much. He is so harsh sometimes and I wonder what in our relationship could have lead to such an intense anger. It could not have been all about me, although maybe it was. Maybe he was tired of balancing me with his other life. Maybe I was too demanding of him. I kept wanting more. I wanted more and more all the time, and was demanding that he leave his wife for me. So maybe that is the problem. But then I stop to consider what that means and really I was just demanding the things in life I deserve. A man who is faithful to me and me alone is not too much to ask. Going on a holiday with someone you have been with for years is not too much to ask. It is though when the married man is a coward, and will not tell you what he really wants. Well fuck him.
I spent the day at Beaver lake yesterday with my "birthday" friend and a coworker. Picnic with beer while bathing in the sun was a lovely way to spend the day. Today promises to be a little more low key. Perhaps a nap. Definitely a shower. BBQ for dinner and then True Blood. All and all a nice summer day. Just wish I wasn't spending it alone. Sans man. Oh well. C'est La Vie.