Today was hard. Mostly because I spent the afternoon with my stepmom and she tore into me until it felt like I couldn't breath. By the time I was dropped off at my Mom's house I was ready to sob hysterically. Which I did. The problem with my stepmom is that didn't just let it drop at the fact that D must not have ever loved me but continued by comparing me to my friends and telling me that they have all accomplished goals. What am I doing with my life? Why don't I have any goals? I have goals. They all involved him. I know that sounds pathetic but I just believed in happily ever after with him. I don't know if I believe in happily ever after at all but I want to. I just have to stop daydreaming he is going to tell me he is sorry. That he does pick me. I should have listened when he said so many times there was never a choice. This was all decided before I got in the picture. Because a man who really loved me would have changed the picture. Or fought hard for me. Or at the very least would never have left me two hours after aborting his baby.
So I have decided to return home to Victoria at the end of this week. I am so nervous as I am still struggling with every day but I think I need to just focus on what I am going to do to make it OK for me to be there. To start I am going to spend some time this evening or tomorrow looking into some classes I can take in the evening after work. I am also going to look into volunteering at the children's hospital. That will definitely help me feel better. I am going to look into my masters program. I am going to walk to work and try and enjoy the fresh air! Maybe even lose some of the weight I have gained over the last few years. Eventually I will remember what I want or at the very least who I am. I know everyone says the pain goes away with time. I am not sure I believe that. Right now all I can do is focus on how to make this better right now, in the moment. I wonder why it is that I feel the need to fill my life to make the pain go away?
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