Cross to bare

I woke up today and it hurt. A lot. I miss him, and I want to call him and tell him that but then reality strikes me and I think what is the point. So I talk to everyone else. One of my friends had a dream last night that is still haunting me, so really I can not imagine how she is feeling. Her own pain came out so vividly in this dream, and it made me wish there was something I could do to help her. Human helplessness is one of the most frustrating emotions there must be. Wanting to take away someone's pain is about as useless as a penny. Intentions are fine but when someone is really suffering even the word intention seems weak. I was thinking about that saying, "we all have a cross to bare", and as non Christian as I may be I still think that it resonates. I hope this is my cross. Losing a child is what I wanted to write, but then somehow it doesn't seem right to imply this is my cross when I made the choice. Every time I think of it I still feel this complete and utter emptiness, and wish I could turn back time. Although I was trying to imagine myself pregnant the other day. I would be so far along now. Starting to really show. I can't imagine being heartbroken and pregnant but it doesn't mean I couldn't do it. If I could chose again I honestly do not know what I would do. Most people when I talk to them about it tell me I made the right choice. They talk about how difficult it would have been. The truth is that part doesn't scare me. The part that scares me is that could have been my baby and I have to live with that. I thought that D would be here for this part, to make the decision easier, to reassure me that we made the decision together and it was the right one. Turns out he isn't here. I really should have decided on my own. Again hindsight is 20/20. Fuck it is a cliche for a reason.