I miss you today

I miss you today. Almost to the point where I cannot remember what you did, and I cannot imagine a time when I don't love you. It hurts today. You have made me cry about three times now. That is three more times than I have let myself in a while. I can feel it today. I keep thinking HCT and it hurts. Even as I type this hot tears are falling on my pillow and I think that the person who came up with HCT did this to me. Plotted to hurt me at this level. The tears keep spilling. My heart is broken. It didn't mend in two and half months. It didn't mend. I wonder tonight if I will just always love you. I saw you and knew you and loved you because of all the things I saw. You were too cowardly to stand up for that. So now I ache and wonder if the last time I heard your voice is really the last time I will ever hear your voice. The sadness completely overwhelms me. I want to be clear that if I died tomorrow the only thing I would regret (that I can actually do something about) is not finding a way to forgive you for what you did. I do not want to go through life with this deep sense of betrayal in my heart, weighing me down. I don't think that it is that I am afraid of this loneliness. I got used to be alone with you. I did it a lot. It is that I will never love someone like you again. That maybe you are my person. Fuck.
I almost called you today. I was picking up the phone to call my friend in Vancouver and my fingers automatically dialed your first six digits. It was like breathing to me. That absolute overwhelming panic swelled throughout me and I hung up the phone and missed you. So today I miss you.
So it turns out I will be needing some more time.