Baby say what.....

Babies. Babies on the brain today. Maybe all week long. My friend crashed at my house for two days with her eight months old son. I got a heavy dose of baby.  I mean the baby slept in my bed, threw up in my hand and took a bath with me. I planned my day around baths, and naps and feeds and baby. I was exhausted. This is also the friend I have offered temporary asylum in my house to. She is going to be moving in with me for about seven months with her twin boys. It would not be an exaggeration to say after two days with her son this thought is causing me to freak the fuck out. It is one thing to not have a baby or to have a baby of your own, and having just battled this baby choice myself, I realized one serious thing. I am no one's mother and I do not want to take on this role in any way shape or form if the children do not belong to me. I fear this is going to fall on my shoulders. It is inevitable. I will be making dinner, the baby will be crying on the floor, my friend will be in the shower or something and I will just assume responsibility. The issue here is how often this will happen. So naturally now I am freaking out. This was supposed to be the summer of figuring me out. ME TIME. Not MOMMY TIME. This is all coupled with the fact that when I flew home to Vernon I walk into my Aunt's house and am bombarded by my pregnant cousin-in-law and her husband (my cousin) and their overwhelming happiness. I just didn't have it in me to be happy for them. I wanted to slit my wrists. They are everywhere. To top it off I would have been further along than her. It literally kills me. Unfortunately when I think about baby I think about D. I was lying in bed last night and in my brain a vision of us dancing naked in my bedroom, flickering candles everywhere on my last birthday invaded my otherwise calm mind. It was heartbreaking remembering how much I loved him. And more difficult even... how much I thought he loved me. How deeply he kissed me and how tightly he held me. He convinced me of his love. Sitting here now writing this makes my heart feel like all the finely held stitching holding the fragments of my heart together are slowly pulling apart at the seems. I guess I could write about babies and D all night but alas my hair is drying and if I don't want to look like raggedy Ann tomorrow I must go and blow-dry. Ta ta for now.

The Summer of.....

There is something sad about waking up in the middle of the night and wanting your ex. The last text message he ever sent me said "holding" which was one of our comfort things. Lulling me into comfort. I missed him. In times of great stress I miss him deeply. It seems that every time things get really hard I want to turn to him. Was that what I used him for? To be my rock? Except for so often he was the one to hurt me and bring me down. In those moments in the middle of the night I want to pick up the phone and call him. I wonder if we could just pick up where we left off. Kissing on my bed, being in each others' arms. Then I realize once AGAIN that I can not go back and the sadness starts again.
I have recently started setting little goals for myself for the summer in hopes that this summer will be filled with hot fun memories instead of this being the first summer without D. To quote George this is the "summer of A".

1. Many outdoor "fun" trips ie. picnics, beaches, blenders, docks and swimming.
2. Start a book. Research, pick a topic and start writing.
3. Get organized to go back to school.

I am heading home for the weekend so should promise to at least be interesting (as my stepbitch will be there).... but that is not the light note I hope to leave this on. So I will promise to lie by the pool, swim in Kal Lake and drink at least one extra dirty martini!

Girls weekend the sequel?

Girls weekend. Otherwise known as life rejuvenating time with your friends. Recently I did a road trip up to the Shuswap with a girlfriend. We got to listen to all the classics (Dangerous Minds anybody????) and just chat about everything. We were meeting two of our other girlfriends at a cabin on Shuswap lake and for three glorious days and two wonderful nights I got to be authentic 24/7. I got to sun tan topless, and swim naked. I have to say there are very few people I let see me naked at all, and the list is even smaller for those who get to see me naked in the light. Somehow though I feel like a better version of myself around them. Like they do not possibly harbour the horrible thoughts that I have about my own body image.I get to lose the neuroses I have about being me. I also got to dip my feet in the lake and stay present in the moment. I fight so often with myself to not be run over with my own thoughts. Thoughts of him leaving. Thoughts of his betrayal. For a brief period in time I got to be present. It was lovely.

We managed to blend drinks till our heart was content, eat complete junk and talk and talk and talk. Two things that came out of all that talking for me was 1) I am really not OK with this whole baby/abortion/betrayal thing. I can not seem to make piece with my decision. Its like a raging river that wants to burst out of me. And 2) I talk about D too much. He is in my narrative. He is a part of my story. I need to begin to remember the story without focusing so much on the fact that he was there for it. I am making my own story and he is not the main character. Turns out that he doesn`t even have a starring role.
I hope that over the next few months I can begin to focus on moving forward. I am not sure if that means finally dealing with D by either contacting him or going to talk to him in some way. It will also mean trying to enjoy my summer to the utmost either by camping, or beaching it up or just hanging with friends or family. Good meals on my patio. Digging in the dirt and planting beautiful flowers. Kissing boys? Reading great books with a good glass of wine. Picnics in Beacon Hill park. There are so many better ways to spend my summer than pining over the man who broke my heart.

Where you are

There is a place in the woods that is so quiet that my heart stops aching. Where I can just lie down on the dock and watch the sun and the clouds work their way across the sky. He is just an echo in my heart in this quiet place instead of a constant searing pain.

So I can sunbath topless and hold my breath underwater. Float for hours in the weightless abyss. Write letters to you in my heart. I almost feel like you can hear me. I swear I can hear you sometimes. No matter what calm the sun and water bring me, the peace on the dock, I can hear you in the dark. In the dark you are ever present.

The life not taken

We talked rarely of things that we actually wanted in the future. I mean we would talk of fantasy trips, and waking up together every morning. We talked of things like children. We both wanted many of the same things. One thing that was are hearts desire was to own a cabin somewhere on a lake where our kids could play on the dock. Where our friends could come to BBQs. Where there was a boat and some beers and the good life. I think we may have talked of this twice but I could tell it would fill D with longing. I spent the weekend with my girlfriends in the Shuswap (which I will discuss at a later post). I was sitting there looking out over the lake and thinking about all the things that we are never going to have. It made me miss him. I know that many people think that I am missing the idea of him but it isn't the case. I miss talking to someone who truly understands everything about me. Who can't wait to ravage me because I am so beautiful to him. Someone who would make me feel safe in his arms. I miss that. I wish ........... well I was going to say I wish that things were different but I guess that would be obvious.

The art of casual sex

I have made a plan to meet up with a guy that I have casually hung out with a couple of times to have sex. This is new for me. I do not feel ready for attachment or a relationship, but damn a girl needs to get laid. So I am going to attempt something completely new. Casual sex. Casual sex that does not make me think of D the whole time I have it. I haven't had sex without feelings for years. I do not remember what it is really like. It makes my heart ache with need for him again. I want him back him so much it I can feel the surge in my heart and that empty dull feeling is beginning to fill it again. I want to be strong enough to move on, to know that D and I are completely done but part of me hopes that isn't true. That there is still hope for us. So I am left wondering if I am ready to have that casual fun that is now offered to girls in my generation. Women no longer have to go out with men to have sex with them. If I want to have sex I can just have sex. The confusing part is I am not even sure if this is what I want. I know I want to feel a man on top of me. I want to be this strong woman who is moving on and doesn't want to be with a cruel man. But the truth is I want D on top of me. I want to know that he is sorry and that he did love me. Maybe that he still loves me. It absolutely burns through me that it feels like I am settling when I said yes to sex with someone else. In my heart I know that it shouldn't feel like settling at all.

For laughs

Sweet Dreams are made of this....,

A dream has power to poison sleep.  ~Percy Bysshe Shelley, "Mutability"

Sleep should be my escape but instead as of late I am haunted by my dreams, or should I call them nightmares? I dream of him being so cruel to me and I wake up crying. I sit right up and cry. That is not a great way to start the day. In my pathetic-ness this morning I clung to my dream, it was so vivid and he was so real and I didn't want to wake up from it until we had solved our problems. It was insane. He kept moving from room to room in a house I had never been in, saying horrible things to me and leaving me in his dust and I just kept searching for him. Now if this doesn't tell you all you need to know about how fucked up our relationship was, or how absolutely crazy I was I have nothing else to tell you. My therapist says it is good that I am having these nightmares and that I am subconsciously working things out. This is a positive step. Unfortunately my mind does not just shut off the images when I am awake and so my dream echoes throughout my day and I am forced to try and keep as busy as possible to hide from my own mind. Perhaps my dreams are acting as my free therapy. God knows I need some at over a hundred dollars a session D and my catastrophe are paying for my shrinks retirement. Freud too put a lot of scruples into dreams. I don't think he was so far off in that they tell us something, as my dream so blatantly was yelling at me last night. But what does it mean when I can do nothing to resolve the turmoil in the dream? When the panic I feel to talk to him in the dream just becomes my reality in the morning. I am at a loss. I often think if I just talked to him maybe it will change the entire direction my life takes. The question is will it be positive or negative? So Disney, if dreams are a wish my heart makes what the hell am I wishing for?