There is something sad about waking up in the middle of the night and wanting your ex. The last text message he ever sent me said "holding" which was one of our comfort things. Lulling me into comfort. I missed him. In times of great stress I miss him deeply. It seems that every time things get really hard I want to turn to him. Was that what I used him for? To be my rock? Except for so often he was the one to hurt me and bring me down. In those moments in the middle of the night I want to pick up the phone and call him. I wonder if we could just pick up where we left off. Kissing on my bed, being in each others' arms. Then I realize once AGAIN that I can not go back and the sadness starts again.
I have recently started setting little goals for myself for the summer in hopes that this summer will be filled with hot fun memories instead of this being the first summer without D. To quote George this is the "summer of A".
1. Many outdoor "fun" trips ie. picnics, beaches, blenders, docks and swimming.
2. Start a book. Research, pick a topic and start writing.
3. Get organized to go back to school.
I am heading home for the weekend so should promise to at least be interesting (as my stepbitch will be there).... but that is not the light note I hope to leave this on. So I will promise to lie by the pool, swim in Kal Lake and drink at least one extra dirty martini!
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