Wishin..... or not

I am gearing up for another weekend by myself. Have made numerous plans to keep myself busy and somehow am still fearing all the lonely time it allows me. There is a certain loneliness that cannot be hidden when you know you will be waking up by yourself in the morning and that you will possibly be doing that every day for the rest of your life. I am really trying to embrace this love yourself first stuff but fuck it is hard. I ache for his reassurance and am hurt that he is so capable of compartmentalizing. I know that if given the opportunity I could tear down his wall. I have done it so many times. But what would that get me? Even if he was in my life I would have someone who is capable of betrayal and cruelty. Part of me wants to call him. Would be willing to live with the betrayal to have back my friend. My lover. God I miss the way he kisses. I can't possibly be this pathetic. Truth is I am probably not but this thought does manage to sneak in every so often. Wishing him back.