If you build it they will come...... and other ramblings

If you build it they will come.
I have spent a good portion of my life building my home into the home that I want to share with someone. A few moments ago I was staring at the empty side of the bed. The night table that has now accumulated all of my stuff. Like the books I am going to read, right after I get through the pile on my side. The new retro alarm clock from Ikea. It is so dusty over there. I was almost choking on it as I wiped off that lamp. So I am sitting there, feeling quite sorry for myself when the thought occurred to me "if you build it they will come". For all those hopeless romantics out there who enjoyed the movie Under the Tuscan Sun it is like the advice the realtor gives the main character. "They built train tracks through the alps before there was a train that could make the journey". Am I building a life before there is a man to make the journey? That is supposed to be what this time I am taking to heal and rebuild is all about, creating a life I want to live. But every time I think of this life, I don't picture it alone. It seems like a temporary stop. Unfortunately I have not gotten over the image of him being the person who fills that life. I hope that will pass. Perhaps I should just take this moment though, and take pleasure in the fact that I am building the life I want. Making my house the way I want it, buying the clothes I feel pretty in, treating myself to extra dirty vodka martinis, indulging in Ikea..... because maybe in the end I won't feel like I need a man to make the journey. I will be able to do it all by myself.
Link to buy Under the Tuscan

"He had a good time and I did not"

I have been dating, actually dating is a strong word, casually hanging out with various men. I have given them various names based on their professions... the artist, the law student, the doctor. I don't know if I am actually ready but I am not a nun and can only hold out without being touched for so long. I had the artist over several weeks ago and it got a little out of control... ending with him "having a good time" and me not "having a good time". First when did it become OK that men can "have a good time" and then roll over? I have never encountered this before. Maybe I was spoiled with D but that hasn't happened to me in years. It was complete bullshit. The second bullshit move is I didn't hear from him again for several weeks. So as a recap HE CAME and I DID NOT (we didn't have sex - but that is not the point) and the HE DIDN'T CALL ME. Yes the overwhelming panic and missing D could have taken over but I decided to move forward. To learn from this. So eventually he did call. He came over the other night to watch a movie. Moving closer to me on the couch, rubbing my legs and telling me how lovely I look. At the end of the movie when he went to make his move I called his bullshit. I decided that I would not be putting up with men like this anymore! I made a decision a woman who loved herself would make. I told him straight up I was not looking for a commitment from him, but I was looking for respect. I would not be hooking up with him until he showed me some. It was so empowering. I have to say I could almost here my friend S cheering in the background. He made all the typical commitments, "I will call you tomorrow", etc etc. Instead of backing down I held my ground and told him if he called me tomorrow we could work on hanging out again and maybe then we would hook up. Well guess what he didn't call me the next day. I finally made a smart decision where I could see the consequences of my actions so clearly. It felt wonderful. Even though he has called me since then I have made a conscientious decision and will stick to it. No disrespectful men. I want something more. I deserve something more. I have to make these decisions to get the things that I want and so keeping my mantra in my mind I will face each day with this outlook and know that I am working to the best of my ability to make the life I want a possibility.

Baby steps, Important Steps

I have been so busy lately. Filling my days with road trips, volunteering, dinners, drinks, and men. The ache isn't going away though. I am haunted in my dreams, and in my thoughts of him. There needs to be an encounter. The more time that I put between us the more I realize I have things to say. I want him back sometimes. I know that is not right and I was so unhappy but I miss him. I miss talking to him and the way he touched me. I don't want a lifetime away from him and I want him back. And then I remember how he treated me and that a lot of our life was an illusion that he created to keep me. So then I don't want him back.
I wrote him. I haven't sent it yet but I will. I need to say to say things. Like how could you? I don't know if there will ever be answers but I need to put it out there to see how the Universe will respond. I wonder if I haven't had much to say lately because I am stagnate. I have not met any new men. I haven't joined anything new. I am just staying the same. I need to keep growing. So I am going to set some goals. I want to start focusing on going back to school or starting a new job. I can not remain here where this emptiness keeps getting larger. I know he wonders about me, as I wonder about him but if we are not going to be together than I need to find something beautiful to fill my life. I need to start living as authentically as I can. This will start with finding a new job to tide me over while I figure out what to do about school. Baby steps. Important steps.

Reminding myself of the OK moments

In the spirit of honestly blogging my heartbreak I have to admit that today I told my therapist that I don't want him back. I meant it in the moment. I might have even meant it all day. So it was what was in my heart when I spoke it. With this being said I can easily recognize the girl who wishes him back all the time. Since my road trip though I have had more moments of OKness. Moments where I feel empowered or capable of moving on and living a full and happy life. I think that the main thing to take from this is that I am OK for moments in time. I need to remember this when I have weeks like the last one where I feel like all the pain has come rushing back and I cannot live without him. I can live without him and there are some moments that are even great. Like last night's cooking classes, or going out dancing with girlfriends. I need to keep that in mind when I have set backs. Rome was not built in a day. It has taken five years to fall this deeply in love with him and it might take some time to heal from that.

Learning about me

Has anyone noticed that when women get heartbroken they also tend to get productive. I have adopted many things recently, some of which I have spoken about, some not. I have to say that my favourite thing that has come out of the rubble is Indian cooking. I have taken two classes with the amazing Heidi Fink and I cannot rave enough. Seriously. She is a miracle worker in the kitchen and she teaches it in easy to learn steps. She made Saffron rice look like a work of art, with all the long grains standing upright. I have never seen anyone cook rice like that before. It was beautiful. Yes I did just write a love poem to the rice. It is nice to direct some energy into something so positive as learning how to cook delicious ethnic cuisine. The only downside of this is that this is something I desperately want to tell D about. He would love to hear all about the food. He loves to talk about food. It seems almost selfish to not share my new secrets with him. Like did you know if you cook rice in ghee before adding water or stalk or whatever that it will change everything about the rice? It coats the starch and allows the rice to stay separated. OK enough about the rice, I know, I know. So I do this for me. I started to do all these things so that I wouldn't be at home, idle and missing him. It has helped with that but the truth is I am also rediscovering things about myself. Like I love to cook. I love to cook for people. I want to learn another language. I want to volunteer. I believe in places like AVI. I believe in loving your fellow man. I know this sounds crazy but I forgot all of these things when I was with him. I spent all my time worrying about when I was talking to him, or hearing from him next or what he was doing when we were not together that I forgot about me. So thank you Heidi. That was an awesome night and it was all about me. Well me and Indian food.
Here is Heidi's link if you want to check her out.
http://www.chefheidifink.com/

I call BULLSHIT

I am tired of people putting their shit out there on other people. I see this happen too often. Tonight it happened to me. This is not the only time this month that I have had to stop and take pause because of the way someone has talked to me. Tonight I was asked to leave a friend's house because her partner is crazy and thinks we are having an affair. 1) I am not a lesbian. 2) I have learnt my lesson. 3) I am not a lesbian. Not that I have any problem with being a lesbian. One of my dearest friends is. I am just not. Do not put your shit on me. I felt like yelling that. Instead I did nothing. I have recently learnt that you can also kill a person with silence. I am dealing with my own shit for the first time in about five years. Like really dealing with it. I do not have the energy to handle the things that people are putting on me that really in the end having nothing to do with me. Those issues were all about my friend's partner's insecurities and somehow it became projected on to me. I am not putting up with it though. I am taking a stand right now. I am not going to subject myself to being treated badly. This is not a decision a women who loves herself would make.

Happy Birthday

In chronicling this heartbreak and hopeful healing I have come to at least one truth. You do not get over something like this in a day. There will be set backs. Like his brother's baby being born. Or his birthday. There will be days so low that even my counsellor does not have a helpful suggestion. This is today. Its pretty low. Not the lowest I have ever been but pretty close. I was actually looking at my building at work today while I was walking towards it and thought if I jumped would I die. It was fleeting but it happened. I am still hopeful though that I will see the other side of this. So Happy Birthday. Trust me it didn`t just pass me by.

The cynics guide to the Universe

I am reading a book called "How to be happy dammit. A cynic's guide to spiritual happiness". My favourite lesson so far is #5 Judge a tree by its fruits. Ditto for people. I did not do that. I did not think that D was capable of treating me like he treated his wife. I did not think and I certainly did not see.
I have been doing everything I can think of to recover from this. From taking classes, to volunteering, to reading empowering books, to talking on the phone, to redecorating. Nothing has taken away from the fact that I have to face tomorrow. Its his birthday tomorrow. I used to make such a big deal out of his birthday. I love birthdays. It feels weird to have this information and to totally ignore him on his big day. It feels spiteful. I am just not ready to call or to text. I can not handle what could happen to me and until I am in complete control of what happens to me I am not going to do it. I may never be able to control how he reacts but I can certainly control how I am going to react. Right now I am not sure I have that ability. So I continue with my wall of silence but still think of him all the time. He must know that.
"You can always tell who someone is by the circumstances they grow".
http://www.amazon.ca/How-Happy-Dammit-Spiritual-Happiness/dp/1587611198/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273037703&sr=8-1

A little inspiration

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

I want this to be true. I am going to work for as long as I can as hard as I can until it is true. I was beaten down today. I have been crying more often and more easily. Maybe I have yet to actually hit the bottom of the barrel or really finish grieving this whole thing. Maybe I haven't really even started. The one thing I know is I am not going to let this be the end of me. This is not going to be the thing that kills me. I cried for the baby I am never going to have today. I cried my heart out. I know what that means now. To literally cry all the emotion out of your heart, to pour everything I have into those little tears and still seem to have an endless well beneath it. Always more where that came from. I know people say I made the right decision. What else are they going to say really? No one can change it. I can't change it. He can't change it. Even if there is a God, He isn't changing it. So really it will do no good to admit I made a mistake. I just have to keep going forward.


I want to learn this. I am going to spend some time committing the meaning of this to my life. I do not want to come out of this as a person I can tolerate. I want to come out of this a person that I love. Today I am searching for a little inspiration and found it in Ms. Angelou. I can run around, working hard, chatting with friends, talking on the phone and in general running away from this overwhelming sense of grief that I am feeling or I can face it. I even offered to help my friend move furniture tonight. So clearly facing it has been difficult. It is these moments alone when I am stuck in my head that I miss him. I think of the baby. I think of the betrayal. I think of the lies. I think of the love. So I guess I am going to feel this. I can't run away. Ain't no place that far.

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does
go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
— Maya Angelou

Wishin..... or not

I am gearing up for another weekend by myself. Have made numerous plans to keep myself busy and somehow am still fearing all the lonely time it allows me. There is a certain loneliness that cannot be hidden when you know you will be waking up by yourself in the morning and that you will possibly be doing that every day for the rest of your life. I am really trying to embrace this love yourself first stuff but fuck it is hard. I ache for his reassurance and am hurt that he is so capable of compartmentalizing. I know that if given the opportunity I could tear down his wall. I have done it so many times. But what would that get me? Even if he was in my life I would have someone who is capable of betrayal and cruelty. Part of me wants to call him. Would be willing to live with the betrayal to have back my friend. My lover. God I miss the way he kisses. I can't possibly be this pathetic. Truth is I am probably not but this thought does manage to sneak in every so often. Wishing him back.