I have been so busy lately. Filling my days with road trips, volunteering, dinners, drinks, and men. The ache isn't going away though. I am haunted in my dreams, and in my thoughts of him. There needs to be an encounter. The more time that I put between us the more I realize I have things to say. I want him back sometimes. I know that is not right and I was so unhappy but I miss him. I miss talking to him and the way he touched me. I don't want a lifetime away from him and I want him back. And then I remember how he treated me and that a lot of our life was an illusion that he created to keep me. So then I don't want him back.
I wrote him. I haven't sent it yet but I will. I need to say to say things. Like how could you? I don't know if there will ever be answers but I need to put it out there to see how the Universe will respond. I wonder if I haven't had much to say lately because I am stagnate. I have not met any new men. I haven't joined anything new. I am just staying the same. I need to keep growing. So I am going to set some goals. I want to start focusing on going back to school or starting a new job. I can not remain here where this emptiness keeps getting larger. I know he wonders about me, as I wonder about him but if we are not going to be together than I need to find something beautiful to fill my life. I need to start living as authentically as I can. This will start with finding a new job to tide me over while I figure out what to do about school. Baby steps. Important steps.
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