Run to Rome

For the first time in a long time I feel the need to run. I am feeling unsettled. A deep wave of nervousness washes through my stomach. I wish I felt differently, that I didn't have the urge to run away from the trouble that is brewing. So I have talked recently about a mistake I have made. The wrong man again. I have mentioned that I stopped the chaos and made the right decision. Now I am living with that decision. I know in my heart that I made the right decision. I just wish for once that someone that I was interested in was the right guy. Well that is not necessarily the whole truth. The truth is that I am still around this guy all the time, wanting him from near. And the worst or most tempting part is I can tell he wants me too. So the urge to run grows. It would be so much easier to take a month, scrape whatever money I can together and go and rent an apartment in Rome. Just hide amid the history and the food, the men. The men are easy to hide with in Rome. Who doesn't love walking down the street, only to hear how beautiful you are over and over. Men there may be more aggressive, but they also show more chivalry. Long dinners, scenic walks, roses, hands, wine, stolen kisses, a sonnet just for you (and every other tourist woman who falls for it). Knowing all this I think Rome might just be the cure. So I sit in my apartment and dream of the run. The run to Rome.

Not so broken hearted anymore

I have been MIA lately... for whatever reason I stopped living my broken heart and started just living. I made a group of new friends who are amazing. They are the my new little family. I started working really hard. Loving my job. I finished decorating my home. I just became busy with life. And then I made a mistake. That turned into another one... that has turned into something bigger than I expected. An innocent touch turned into ... well do I want this guy? I have managed to fall for the most inappropriate man on the face of the earth. Now normally I would say why? or how could I do this again? But I am more enlightened. More attuned to myself than I have ever been. I am aware that I pick unavailable men to protect myself from being hurt. It is a sure fire way to feel like I am never being rejected. It is the circumstance and not me that causes the relationship to end. What a safe way to love. Or to like. Or to do whatever the hell it is that I am doing. So the relationship ended to much complication and continued flirting. It is really feeling like we have created a no win situation, where when we are left alone to our own devices things go in the completely wrong direction. I need clarity on the situation and space. Which is exactly what I am getting right now... a whole week of clarity and space.

Saturday blues

Lately I have had to fight this feeling of unease. I am waking up every morning with a sinking feeling. I am haunted. I am haunted by my choices, and my desires, and my lonileness. I don't know what to do to make this uneasy feeling go away. Every time I see him, the boy I am making poor decisions with I find myself angry at his actions. But I still find a way into his bed. I am the girl who always wants what she can't have. How childish of me to make these kind of decisions. I keep searching for him to make it right, to make me feel balanced, much like the last time. Then I remember in moments of clarity that it doesn't work that way. I waited for D to make me feel better all the time, and the moments became more and more fleeting until I was so unhappy that nothing made it better. This situation is worse in some ways. Because I am risking so much for someone I don't even love. I care about him, but more as a friend than anything. I know that I have a crush. And my desire for him is overwhelming but it is not excuse for my behaviour. I just don't feel right. I can't seem to feel good. Or get to a place of calm. Why does this seem like it happens so often.

I want a husband who...........

Today I said to my counsellor, "I want a husband who wants to conquer the world, get out there and make it a better place". She said to me, well I think that is your ad. I have spent a life time settling. Settling for men who are not out there conquering. I choose boys, who don't know themselves. Or boys who like to play with fire. Or boys who see me as fire. But never men. Never men who are looking to make this world a better place. Men who believe something so passionately that they have to fight for it. Men who look at me and see something great. So today I wrote my ad for my future husband. Wanted: Man who is out there, making it happen, creating change, and making the world a better place.
Again, Universe if you are listening, I am ready!

Send it back

I am feeling so lonely tonight. I am lost again. I am still alone after a year. I have tried to move on and am still alone. I can't stomach the men that I have dated over the last little while. I don't think I can force myself on another date again. So when this happens I miss D. I spent some time tonight going over my friend's wedding website. I am happy for her. I love looking at this life she is creating for herself. But in all honesty I can't help but think about the life that I want that I am still so far from having. I want the baby, and the home, and the husband. That is what I want. So again I am putting it into the universe. Send it back to me universe! Send it back!

I'm on Fire

OK so what if you go a whole year thinking you are building yourself back up... that you are fighting to get back to the person that you used to be. Only a better version of her. What if you make promises to yourself... like I will never be that girl again. I will never hurt myself again. I will never go back to him. I will never. I will never. Then on the year anniversary of your life changing moment. The day you got off the road that was leading to Miserytownship and got on to the road of Happyville, you decide enough with the happiness that I was feeling and you make a decision so similar to the way you used to be. To the person you used to be. Does that mean everything that you did that year is null and void? I want to be a better person than I was. I want to be a woman who knows what is good for her and does it. I want to be a woman who lives by the mantra "is this a decision a woman a loves herself would make?". Instead I think I am a woman who doesn't want it bad enough. Or hasn't faced the real reason why she makes the bad decisions in the first place. Hours and hours of therapy, thrown away.
Yes I am feeling a tad defeated. So I play I'm on Fire over and over again. Trying to think this out. At least I know this for sure, I love Bruce Springsteen. Bruce do you want to go out with me? Oh wait, I am doing it again.

Second time is a charm

Many things to learn still I guess....
It has been a long two weeks. It always surprises me that when I think that I am going forward I take a step back. It seems like maybe I am going in two different directions, one is pulling me backwards and the other way is running towards something better. I am confused again.
Switching gears hear... I went on a date last night to Stages. It was really fun. The conversation flowed, minimal pauses, very cute boy. I enjoyed it. I even agreed to go on another date next week. Unfortunately, he kissed me at the night. Now the unfortunate part was he was the WORST kisser I have ever experienced. It was all tongue shoved down my throat. I wanted to gag. So I meet a guy who I can talk to, someone I want to hang out with and what happens? I am not attracted to him.
And the one crush I have had in a long time is someone who is totally inappropriate. I should be running away as fast as I can. And I am in a way. I just can't help but wonder, what is wrong with me? Where is the nice man, who I like? Can I have it all?

ONE YEAR

Tomorrow it will have been a year. I made it a whole year. I am struggling against a cold. I am exhausted. I am happy most of the time. I have new friends. New men. New mistakes. I think the hardest thing is that I might be finally getting over it and letting go. I know that sounds strange but I feel like if I let go of D all that we went through, all that love that I felt will be gone too. It just makes my heart ache. But I remember what I felt like a year ago. I couldn't even be left alone with my own thoughts. I would cry for hours, wake up screaming. He broke my heart and it hurt so much. I felt like I couldn't breath and I wouldn't make it a day, not to mention a year. So a kudos to me.
Now to be perfectly honest, I am not sure how I am going to deal with tomorrow. So my plan is to meet up with a friend after work. Drink my face off and smoke until I can't talk. Then I am going to find the cutest I can and kiss him. I am going to dance. I am going to sit on a beach and watch the sun go down. I am so much stronger than I ever was before.

Miss Emily

419

We grow accustomed to the Dark—
When light is put away—
As when the Neighbor holds the Lamp
To witness her Goodbye—

A Moment—We uncertain step
For newness of the night—
Then—fit our Vision to the Dark—
And meet the Road—erect—

And so of larger—Darkness—
Those Evenings of the Brain—
When not a Moon disclose a sign—
Or Star—come out—within—

The Bravest—grope a little—
And sometimes hit a Tree
Directly in the Forehead—
But as they learn to see—

Either the Darkness alters—
Or something in the sight
Adjusts itself to Midnight—
And Life steps almost straight.

Emily Dickinson

You learn to cope. The event happens, it changes you and 

you learn to cope.I read this poem years ago, and didn't 

really know what  it was saying. Many of Dickinson's 

words spoke to me. I was infatuated with the woman 

at one point. I loved her haunting language. 

The search to find the meaning. 

The eloquent analogies. Her truth is so brutal, so raw. 

It always gives me pause.  

Thank you Stevie

Another word from our sponser:

Every night that goes between
I feel a little less
As you slowly go away from me
This is only another test

Every day you do not come
Your softness fades away
Did I ever really care that much?
Is there anything left to say?

Every hour of fear I spend
My body tries to cry
Living through each empty night
A deadly call inside

I haven't felt this way I feel
Since many a year ago
But in those years and the lifetimes past
I did not deal with the road

And I did not deal with you I know
Though the love has always been
So I search to find an answer there
So I can truly win

Every hour of fear I spend
My body tries to cry
Living through each empty night
A deadly call inside

So I try to say
Goodbye my friend
I'd like to leave you with something warm
But never have I been a blue calm sea
I have always been a storm

We were frail
She said
"Everynight he will break your heart"
I should have known from the first
I'd be the broken hearted
But I loved you from the start
Save us...
And not all the prayers in the world - could save us

Fleetwood Mac - Storms

Help Baby Molly

There is a local family going through the unthinkable. There baby girl has an aggressive form of leukemia. I really do not have very much to add, except of course my heart goes out to them. I am attaching a link to their blog. You can donate online and it looks like there are several benefits that you can attend and donate at. Check it. Help Molly.

Birthday Dancing!

I am going to be twenty eight in three days.
So instead of absolutely panicking I am going to embrace it. I am throwing myself a birthday dinner with all my friends, which should be great. Then we are going to go out dancing! I haven't done that in forever. Dance it all out. There is nothing like getting my buzz on and dancing in a huge crowd. It is something that made my early twenties what it was. I used to just let loose, and dance among my friends. Kiss the odd boy. It isn't that I want to be that lost twenty something girl. I just want to go out and enjoy the moment like I used to. Where I was so am present in the moment, moving to the music, laughing.... perhaps the alcohol helped that. Either way this is how I am going to spend my birthday. Updates later!!!!!!!!

Sunday realizations

Today I did very little.... well that's not exactly true. I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom. I even scrubbed inside the cupboard under the sink, where I keep the garbage. I washed the white doors on the cabinets in my kitchen, I dusted the bookshelves, I scoured the bathrooms. And now I feel clean. I would say that cleaning for me, at times can be quite therapeutic. Then I went grocery shopping, and picked up items for a delicious soup. Garlic and ginger sizzled in olive oil, then in goes yams and carrots, some apple, red lentils, and broth and let boil. Add spices and presto you have a delicious hearty soup. It was a lovely, slow Sunday. Starting off slow with a book in bed and some coffee. Followed by a hearty breakfast sandwich, complete with wilted spinach and fried ham. Egg was cooked just perfectly if you ask me, although of course no one did. Its funny, as I go along with my day to day living sometimes I have this very prominent thought.... I would make someone a great partner. I say this with utmost caution (because although I am working on the confidence thing, I am not great at tooting my own horn. But I would be good at sharing a Sunday with someone. Sneaking off to the kitchen to make the perfect breakfast sandwich, runny egg and all, and bringing it back to share in bed. I guess what I need is someone who is looking for those kind of moments. The simple intimacy of every day life. D and I never had that, because it was always rushed. Even in the long weekends we had together, there was always a sense that it was going to end. I want more than that. I deserve a man who is not going anywhere on Sunday. Who will not be getting on a ferry, to go back to his wife. I deserve a man who wants me to be his wife.

Birthday time

I went for a walk today along the Gorge walkway. It was a beautiful, crisp day. The sun was shining and the water was calm. You could see the ripples behind the swans as they cut from one bank to the other, crossing the narrow waterway. I went with my godsons and their mom and we pushed the stroller and chatted about what is going on in each others' lives. My birthday is coming up in the next couple of weeks and I am seriously debating what to do. I took the day off, and booked myself a massage for the morning. I figured the day would be filled with pampering and friends. My girlfriend Susan and I are going to go for a manicure and lunch, which I think will be great. I am thinking of topping the night off with a dinner party with my close friends. I just don't want it to be like every other night. I keep thinking that I might want to go out dancing. I just want it to be ok that I am twenty-eight. That I am finally on the right track. It is just scary to approaching thirty and not be married. Not be any closer to having children. I am actually further away than I was a year ago, considering that last year at this time I was pregnant. I know many pieces have been repaired. I just imagined a year would bring me closer to the life I want to lead... yes I know I am closer in many ways. It just feels like I am also going to be the single girl forever. OK, enough pessimism.

2011 here I come!

2010 may have been the longest year of my life. There were times when I was really truly surprised that I got out of bed. There were moments of calm, where the waves the churn my anxiety and fears to the surface were absolutely still. There were moments when the life changing decisions I made were so empowering, and there were times when I thought I must be mad. I cooked (lots of Indian), I joined a book club and made new friends, and I really connected with the ones I had. Friday night dinners became something I really looked forward to. I kissed new people. I hated it. I moved. I actually bought my own condo. I took a trip to Paris. With my mother and it was wonderful. I sat on the rocks in Tofino and let the sun beat down on me, and I felt peaceful. I survived Christmas and New Years without him. I didn't call him once. I have been brave. I have grown. I have been to the bottom and I survived. I actually came out better than I would have ever suspected.

So with all that being said, I know now there are things that I want for the 2011. I want to keep growing. 2010 was the most growth I may have ever had in one year, but I do not want to become stagnant. On New Year's Eve on three little pieces of paper I wrote the things I didn't want to take into 2011. I wrote "loneliness", "low self esteem" and "wanting D in my life". I think these are three huge goals that will not happen over night.

What am I going to do to get to the results that I want? Well the first thing is I joined a group that is focusing on healthy living. Every day I get points for drinking enough water (3 L - which to say the least is causing me to pee every 10 minutes), sleeping enough, eating well, not drinking, flossing, etc. It has been a great way to focus on living well. Which is really going to help me improve my self esteem. I think if I live well, I might start to lose weight, and feel more confident about how I look. Essentially this is all cyclical. All of these interconnected things that make me who I am. So I am working on the building blocks.
I am going to focus on being present in the moment. Like enjoying perfect sunsets from my balcony apartment. I am going to take a trip this year where I get to sleep in, eat good foods and go for long walks on the beach. I want to float in Kal Lake and feel weightless on a hot Okanagan summer day. I am going to keep going to counselling, and work towards moving on from D. I am finally going to send that letter. I am going to let go of him. I am going to finish Calling in the One. And I am going to start dating... sometime this year. I am going to revel in my work crush, because it makes me feel alive. I am going to work hard and apply for a new job before the year is out. I am going to look for the perfect pillows for my living room, and really make this a home. I am going to hang out with my wonderful friends and party in Vegas. I want to lose weight. And have beautiful hair. I want to learn how to cook Thai. I am going to throw myself a beautiful birthday party. I am going to kick lonlieness' ass. I am going to work on being whole again.