You have come a long way baby.............

This may have been the longest year of my life. There were moments when I thought when I thought I wasn't going to make it. Then there were many more moments of the year when I was surprised at how strong I am. I didn't call him once, which is really a feat in itself. There was a time when I couldn't imagine not talking or hearing from him for one day and now it has been ten months and I am still going strong. I am also finally facing the concept of a lifetime without him. Of never speaking to him again. Yes it breaks my heart, but I never want to go back to the person who could barely function. In this year I have managed to stay away from the anxiety, I do not have to live beside my phone. I can make plans and not stress that he will not have called on time, and somehow I will not be able to function in front of people. I do not have to avoid my friends and family because I am worried that they will see how miserable I am. I am living in the present, not living for when will be the next time we talk. That was exhausting.
This year I managed to buy a  condo. I did it all by myself. I pulled myself together, applied for new jobs, and got one. I went out and made some really great friends. I did it. I went to work, I healed, I took classes, and I loved myself a little bit more. So I am giving myself a well deserved pat on the back. I have come a long way baby.
Let's see where the next year leads.............

Peace in Tofino

I just had the most wonderful, relaxing weekend in Tofino. A group of us rented a cabin on the beach, and brought lots of wine, and yummy food which made for an absolutely relaxing weekend. With long walks on the beach, and tons of fresh air I finally got a great sleep.
On the last day of Tofino, it was so sunny and warm. We hiked down to the rocky shore on the coast of Ucluelet. The waves crash down the coast, with a might force. It is unlike anything you get to see in Victoria. Sitting on the rocks, warming in the sun and watching the awesome power of the ocean it gave me a little perspective. It was the first time that the sadness was not able to creep in and overwhelm me. Even thinking about D I was able to keep positive, and focus on the good things in life. I wanted to put that feeling in a bag and carry it with me over the holidays. Remember how strong I was feeling and how at peace I was with the world. I know I have been fearing the holidays and all that it holds, but i feel like I need to focus on the peace it is possible to feel. I am going to focus on family, friends, good food and enjoying my time at home. So Merry Christmas!!!!

Yummy Dinners, Great Company and lots of Wine!

This winter I have been making some yummy dinners for my friends and me! One of the highlights was our turkey dinner. I roasted a delicious, moist turkey. It started off with lots of research, scouring Bon Appetite in search of the perfect Thanksgiving recipes. I did my first salted turkey, where I mixed fresh herbs with tons of salt and orange rinds. Rubbing the turkey all over it is meant to lock in the moisture. I put it in the fridge overnight. The next morning I took the turkey out and made a butter rub for it. The butter was filled with orange rind, and yummy basil. The butter went under the skin and I stuffed the cavity with oranges and onions. I have to say it turned out DELICIOUS!

Although the best thing about all the cooking was the dinner with great friends. A night of great company, lots of wine and yummy food. This is the life I want, filled with love and people and good food. One little building block at a time.

Ladysmith Light up!

Life has been busy since I started the Calling in the One project and I have to be honest there is nothing new to report. I was sidetracked because on Thursday night the girls and I went up to Ladysmith to check out the Light up Festival. It was incredibly beautiful! I was blown away by the amount of people that show up for this event. We had to take a shuttle from down by the water into the town, and parking was a disaster. But once we were there it was perfect. The lights shimmered in the twilight. There was yummy smells of popcorn wafting up, and everyone had hot chocolate or apple cider to warm them up. It was a wonderful evening. I started out the evening with trepidation. I had decided to do as many happy holiday things as I could, so that I would be able to enjoy this season even if I am missing the one person who made this holiday everything it could be. I thought I would spend the majority of the time in Ladysmith aching with loneliness. Instead I was truly distracted. I enjoyed the sights and sounds, the company, the mood so much that I only had tiny pin pricks of memories float to the surface, and honestly I believe that driving the Malhat brought up the most of the pain. So although I recognize that parts of this is going to be difficult, I know I can do this. I am going to enjoy the holidays. I love this time of year and screw him because I am not going to let my heartache bring me down!

Calling in the one????

"I open myself fully to give and receive love". This is the main premise of the exercise I am working on. A couple of weeks ago my therapist suggested that I start reading Calling in the one, and this weekend I picked up the book and have started to work on the lessons. The first lesson is a mediation with the mantra "I open myself fully to give and receive love". Now I am going to be a little honest here and say that some of this makes me think that this is bullshit. But then part of me wants to believe that it is possible. So I am going to do the course from start to finish, with each practice. I need D not to be the end of my love life. I need to get over him and stop thinking about him so often. I cry in the shower remembering last year, and how romantic he was during the holiday season. I loved him so much. I am still so heartbroken and I am tired of it. I also want to be in a happy, healthy relationship. So lets see if this book can bring in love to me. To make me see clearly who I want to be with. I have spent the year with myself, with many ups and downs. I am ready for the next step. Whether it be finally confronting D, or letting go of him forever, or moving on with someone else. I want to believe that there is someone for me. I am ready to explore this. Perhaps not with the men I am currently seeing, but a clean slate.

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!

Oh the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful! And since we have no place to go, let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
It is snowing, big white beautiful flakes. I am sitting in bed, after a lovely dinner party (a menu of tomato bochaccini salad, crisp greens in a balsamic dressing, white Tuscan bean soup with winter greens, and hearty bread - oh yes and lots of wine!) and watching the snowflakes fall. I love the first snow, it always gives me such hope. It brings promise of my favorite time of year, when the I get to spend time with my family and friends. Lots of dinner parties, and visiting with the ones I love. Unfortunately Christmas also makes me think of D, and the way he would hold me under the covers, pressed against him, as the snow fell. He was so romantic at this time of year. My favorite date we ever had was the first time he took me looking at Christmas lights. It was such a thoughtful, romantic gesture that ended up being a tradition. There were some wonderful things about D, and it saddens me that when I remember the good times they are tarnished with something so terrible.
On Monday I had a Mediterranean Vegetarian cooking class with Heidi Fink. It was fabulous! And so far I have tried two of her recipes, the Tuscan White Bean soup with winter greens, and I have also had a try with the biscotti. Both turned out exceptionally well. Both were also easy to make. More about that later. i am going to curl up in bed and turn my lamp off and enjoy the snow. Good night world. Good night.

One Building block in

I am moved in... and settling in. I love some aspects of my new apartment so much. Like how I can sit in my bed and look out my huge picture window at the yellow leaves blowing in the wind on the tree across the lawn. I can curl up in my chair and see all my favorites books feet from my finger tips. How everything is elegant and white. I like that I now own a china cabinet. I can finally see all my beautiful bowels, and matching dishes. I like the bright white baseboards, it looks so chic.
So I thought I would share a couple of photos, and let you see how things are coming together.

My cosy living room

my beautiful bookshelf and the table to have my dinner parties at!

My new couches and fireplace!

The kitchen needs a little work but it definitely gets stuff done

My Front entrance way with the new shabby chic table!

The front door. Pictures from my time in southern Spain framed on the wall

My dresser in my bedroom. Its so big! I love all the storage.

My bedroom

The spare room... guests welcome

After all the searching, packing, stressing I am moved in. I am settling. I am still working on the life building. One block down and in place!

A partner

I am sitting in bed, sipping on coffee with Bailey's and generally enjoying my morning. I finally slept in, I just gave myself over to staying in bed and really refused to give up. I am going to spend the day in my apartment trying to clean up and settle in. I have decided to get a roommate to help me with my mortgage... save myself from being house poor. So I posted an ad on craigslist and usedvictoria and am hoping someone I really want to live here will be able to move in. I am dreaming of someone who really isn't home much. I know how that sounds but I have really enjoyed living in my apartment all by myself. Doing what I want, when I want it.
I guess in the deepest part of my heart what I really want is to meet a man, who fills this hole that has recently been growing. I want to have a relationship where he lives with me, and we build a life together in this apartment. That is what I really want. A partner. Why is it everywhere I go there seems to be couples? All my friends are in couples. They are part of a team. And yet I am alone, still. Dreaming of calling D and trying to work things out. It's crazy.

Whole lotta of empty

Life has been interesting. Since I moved I have been feeling this overwhelming feeling to call D and try and work things out. Or at the very least try and make it a bearable ending. I was devastated that we ended so terribly. I find when I start to meet new men, even date, that as soon as one of them pisses me off I want to run back to D. Not that he never pissed me off, just that I loved him enough to want to work it out. I do not know what is wrong with me. I had an encounter with one of the men that in the past I have gone on several dates with, and recently have been hooking up with. So when I was chatting with him tonight he was beyond rude to me. The old me might have allowed for that. I just don't want to ever waste my time again. I know that he is not the guy for me anyways, but I was hoping for a hook up buddy. Someone to keep me occupied until I find the courage to date again. Moving forward has turned out to be tricky. I want to be better... I want to be cured of my heartbreak, and over him. Time. That's all I hear and I want to believe that a time will come when it doesn't ache anymore. BUT EIGHT MONTHS later I can still barely breath.
Two years ago this week, he left me to get married. I thought nothing would ever hurt as badly as him leaving me that week. The truth is that if I had just been brave, and realized then what I realize now I would saved my self years of heartache. Years of anxiety and tears. I loved him so deeply that I forgot to love me. Now I work hard to love me, but find myself missing him so often and so overwhelmingly that I wonder what progress have I made? I need to focus on the fact that I have made progress! This year I have taken every class I could get my hands on, I went to counselling, I refocused on the relationships that mattered, I got a new job, and I bought a condo and MOVED. So why does it feel like I am not whole?

Building a home

My room is pretty much unpacked. I mean there are still things to be done and odds and ends that need a home but overall I think I am figuring it out. It is weird not being sure where you live. To feel like a stranger in your own living room. I come home and do not know what to expect while I am here. I mean, do I eat in the living room? How do I feel about eating on the new furniture? I keep gravitating back to my bedroom, because at least here things feel familiar. I recognize things in this room. In the other rooms I can not help but feel like I don't really have a place here yet. So I guess little by little I am making a home, it is just taking longer than I expected.

New Kisses

I moved. I am sitting on my beautiful bed, in my newly painted home. I am alone. I am not sure if I feel lonely per say. I think I just am very aware of the fact that D has no idea where I am. Not only does he not know where I am in, I have no idea where he is either. I miss having somewhere to share my thoughts with. To talk about my day with. I miss regular sex with someone I am in love with.
I had one of my gentlemen friends stay the over the other night. It was strange having someone new in my bed. Someone who held me differently. He kissed differently too. Softer, with less need. D always kissed me with so much need behind it. Like if we stopped kissing the world might not stop. I miss that feeling of being so in love with someone. I wonder if I would have loved him so much if he had not always said the right thing. Like when he came back from his wedding, the morning he called me I was crying so hard with the pain and fear of losing him. He said to me, "I will always come back". I wondered why he did that. If it was a lie, why say it. In the end it was his words that ended up leading us down a path that we shouldn't have gone on. He spent all this time trying to convince me of the way he loved me, and if he had just said, "I am leaving you", we wouldn't have ended up so in love. So entangled. So much hurt. It sucks that he had to go so far to only end up breaking my heart.
I feel like I should be so excited about all the things that are going on, but a big part of me is just exhausted. I want to stay in bed and watch movies and cry. I need some time to really get over these things. I feel like I am not over it yet. I have lots of grieving. I need some closure. I almost want to call D and just say all the things that have gone unsaid.

Feeling guilty about feeling down

I am mid move. So I am exhausted. The things I have accomplished in the last couple days would include working full time, taking possession of the condo, hosting an Ikea building party and doing the building, dealing with painters, packing, getting boxes, running to the brick, going to Rona, PACKING..... the list goes on and on. The funny thing is I just want it to be Friday night. I want to be in my bathtub with a glass of wine, a box of chocolates and a good book. Then I want to crawl into my bed, rent Sex and the City 2 on my pay per view and fall into a deep, comfortable sleep. I have been living in chaos for over a week now, sleeping on the ground, having my stuff packed around me. By the way it is always the last items that get you. It is the things that you really have no idea what to do with so you don't pack them at first, and then it is all you are left with at the end. Very frustrating. I am sitting in my room, on my mattress, on the floor, drinking a diet coke and contemplating what I have done. It is weird, every time I visit the new condo I feel this sense of... OH MY GOD I OWN THIS! I want to be excited, and part of me is very excited. Then part of me feels like, I wish D was here to share this with. It feels very strange to have bought a place, to have made such a giant leap to building my own life without him. I miss him. I miss having him to share my dreams with. I think I am building a beautiful home. A place worth sharing. I sometimes, with all my heart wish he was still here to share it with.
As I was taking my bed apart the other day with my friend, I came across a box from our last Christmas together. It just was the wrapping paper, and the card that I wrote him. But I remembered writing it and believing every word that I said. I loved him. And wanted to make it work. It was our best Christmas together. Our most romantic. I wept for everything I had lost. It was so hard to see how confident I was that he loved me back.
I guess I have never been good at change. I am still not. I have made so many changes this year.... and so many of them have been good. It is just hard to feel only excitement about this move, when I feel like a very large part of me isn't coming with me this time.

The blow up

So I did explode. I flipped out last night. I feel bad because I yelled, but other than that I am just so done. I can not believe I bent over backwards to help someone who is clearly ungrateful. I mean I have spent a lot of my time helping her and I am being treated like shit. I have been so busy, and not once as she offered to help me. I feel like running around screaming. The tension in the house could be cut with a knife. I haven't had to live in a situation like this for years. I can not believe that I got myself into this. Honestly, what was I thinking? I must have been crazy to invite her to live with me, and offer to help her when as far as I can see I just had the hardest year of my life and not once has she done anything to make it better for me. She doesn't even ask me if I am OK. Now I realize I am ranting again. BUT WHAT THE FUCK.
So  the question becomes, when do you let your boundaries down for someone? Clearly this lesson is a hard one for me. My counsellor thinks I need to learn how to say things like I am sorry this is happening to you. AND THEN DO NOTHING AFTER. Don't offer to help. Do nothing. I have not mastered the art of not over extending myself. I am juggling so many balls in the air and I still am offering to help her. I need to learn to say no. Do other people have this problem with no? What is my problem? Will people really not like me if I say no once in a while? What am I so afraid of? Really.

The Straw that broke the camel's back

Can I just say I almost lost my shit at my current roommate today. I have let her move in with her two YOUNG boys. I have babysat, lent my car out, shared groceries, shared my time, cleaned up poopie diapers... I mean really what haven't I done you ask? The answer is nothing I can think of. Well tonight we were talking about moving out and I mentioned that the oven needs cleaning, and she says "well I didn't make it messy". I have to be honest I wanted to fucking scream. She uses the oven every day just like me. We cook the same meals together all the time but somehow the mess is my fault. I couldn't believe it. I was pretty sure I wanted to scream at her. I can not believe this is who she is. She has thrown my life upside down and now tells me the oven is not her mess. I know that this may seem like a little thing, and perhaps it is. But it may just have been the straw the broke the camel's back. Yes in this analogy I am the fucking camel. I mean on Wednesday I am babysitting for her. Ask me what I did on Saturday.... oh that's right, I BABYSAT her kids! OK, obviously I am a little wound up here but I thought it is important to share things like this. Get them off my chest before I explode.

This month has been really busy. I have been running all over the place trying to prepare for the new condo. I have joined a yoga class, went to Vernon, and have been packing (although not as much as I wish). Yesterday I went out and bought new couches... I feel confident but at the same time feel like I am making all these choices by myself. I know this is a great independence thing, but I miss have someone to call or ask an opinion of. It feels like I am building a life, I AM building a life. I just struggle with the idea that I am going to be doing this all on my own. I am building a lovely home. It is going to be cozy and welcoming, yet sleek and pretty. I want to build a family. It doesn't seem to be the path that I am on right now. Maybe if I continue making good decisions for myself one day I will get there.
So I went home to Vernon for Turkey time.  It was lovely. The fall in Vernon is golden and I love going for walks, and seeing all the beautiful colours and smelling the crisp clear fall scent peppered with fresh apples. I could not eat enough apples while I was home. There is something about eating Okanagan apples on a cool autumn day.
While I was home I went for a beautiful walk with my family. Thought I would include some of those photos.

I also attend two turkey dinners. One of the best turkeys I have ever eaten.... my aunt says she just prepared an organic bird with butter and herbs pushed under the skin. Then she stuffed it with onions and garlic and rubbed thing down with grape seed oil. It was delicious.

I made a delicious version of Russian Potato salad with tons of apples and shallots, mixed with sour cream and mayo. It turned out really well. I have to say I like the apple sweet crunch that makes this salad a fun version of a regular potato.

I have to say it was a wonderful fall weekend I got to spend at home. Now back to the grind of packing, and planning. I will try to stay more in touch over the next couple of weeks.

TURKEY TIME

I am headed home to Vernon for TURKEY TIME. I am excited to get away from the bustle of my days. I have been swamped with paint samples, fabric choices, and shopping for furniture. Not to mention writing a will, buying insurance, figuring out my mortgage, etc! It has been insane. I am ready for some much needed rest at home. The girls and I are going to get together for lunch on Saturday afternoon at Crush Bistro. I am looking forward to sharing my excitement with a group who is truly happy for me and a well earned glass of wine. I will let you know how the food is at Crush...and the wine menu!
I am also doing dinner at Mom's and my Dad's sister's house. Count them, two turkeys. I am going to be turkeyed out! But it will be fantastic seeing my family. I feel I could really use a break from the tension in my house. It has been ridiculous.
Updates will be in after the weekend!

Read The Help

I am reading The Help. It is a fantastic read that discusses the lives of three women in the deep South post segregation. Two of the women are African American who work for white women. The third woman is a white woman who isn't subscribing to the preconceived notions of race, class, and identity. I talk about my wonderful book club and the interesting women who are members, but I rarely mention the books. Since D and I broke up I am reading constantly. I don't know if I am doing that in response to the loneliness the occupies my bed now on the weekends and the evenings... or really what it is. I was always an avid reader but it seems like I am powering through books now. My book club is reading The Guinea Pig Diaries: My Life as an Experiment . Which I have definitely got a couple of laughs from.
My plan tonight is to curl up on the couch and read my wonderful book, and in between good reading I will catch Greys. Hey I got to have my trash.

Ideas for my new home!

So my new home is a work in progress. There is a lot of potential to make it the home I want it to be. So I am getting it painted to begin with. I am thinking of a light creamy yellow in the bedrooms. A subtle colour, the offers some cheer to my days.
Here are some pics of the bedrooms that need to be painted. I think the windows offer a lot of potential for light. I imagine sitting on my beautiful bed in the morning, sipping my coffee and looking out the window.

The master bedroom

The spare bedroom

In the living room I am picturing a lovely sectional couch and a comfy stuffed chair, perfect for reading books on a raining Sunday. I am going to get a very large bookshelf to house my many books. Ikea bookshelf white. I am picturing cozy but beautiful.

The Living room

I am not sure what I am going to do with the dining room but I know for sure that I am going to be making a purchase from Ikea! Hemnes cabinet in white .

The dining room

So here is a quick overview of some of my thoughts for my new home. Lots of projects left to do. I am very excited!

Sick at home

I am home sick today. I struggled to get out of bed this morning, and managed to get to work till 12:45 but am now at home. So exhausted and feeling shitty. It just sucks when I am so excited about what is going on in my life and do not have the energy to do anything but lie on the couch and sleep.
Good news is that I am meeting my realtor tonight to meet a painter at my new condo to get an estimate! I am so excited that things seem to be coming together. The home inspector is booked. It seems like everything that has happened this year has accumulated in this big change at the end of the year. It almost seems fitting that this happened at this time. It also feels very strange that I am creating a new life and D doesn't know a thing about it. Part of me just wants to call him to share my news. I realize that would not be the best idea, but somehow even after almost eight months apart I still want to talk to him. I hope that ends soon.

I love Fall

Back home in Vernon, Kalamalka Lake

I love fall. I know this seems strange but I think I associate the seasons with new beginnings. Even more so than spring. I think it might have something to do with spending a huge majority of my life in school, and how every September equaled a new chance. I love the light in the fall. The golden colour that seems to radiate from every thing. It is so beautiful. The orange, red and brown colours. That crisp feeling in the air. I love fall.

I think it is very fitting that it is in the fall that I bought my first condo. My first home that is all my own! I am very excited for this next step. It feels strange that I have committed to something so huge. At the same time I love the idea that I will have a place to call all my own! To paint, and decorate how I want to. I have to say that I wasn't sure that I wanted to take this on as a single woman, but I have found the courage to take the leap. And what is that saying? Life doesn't happen, you make it happen. Or something like that. So I am making it happen. One giant leap at a time.

Perfect travel moment

I am back. It has been long since I have written. I have so many thoughts to share since I last wrote but it is late and I have new hours at work (a more convenient 8-430) so there will be more later. I just wanted to share this little anecdote about my trip. The essential traveling moment. I was in the neighborhood that my hotel was in, just in the Latin Quarter on the border of the 15th district. The square held four cafe/restaurants and anyway that you walked you would come across shops, bakeries, chocolates, patisseries..... you name it this area has it. Anyways my story begins on one afternoon, after leaving my Mom at the hotel to change I ventured out to get us the makings of a picnic. As I was walking up the sidewalk I saw several bakeries, and something that resembled a deli, but I was a little timid to try my french. Then I saw it. A store made only of cheese. It was perfect. The perfect shop. In it was an older man, at least in his late eighties and the owner of the shop, a middle aged man with a friendly face. After venturing in the store and listening to these men banter about the selection of cheeses in what I can only guess is refined Parisian french, they turned to me. After a moment or two of struggling with the language I discover the older man fought in the war and speaks a little English. Between my brutal french and his hesitant fifty year old English, we decide that I need to try many of the French cheeses. Before I know it they are bringing out cheeses and cutting me chunks. Slicing thin strips of the side. It was seriously my heaven. I have never seen anything like this before. After sampling and hanging out with these men for a bit I leave the shop with my cheese. Off to have the perfect picnic.

My Parisian Trip!

So I have really dropped the ball on my Parisian trip. I thought that posting some pics of the trip might suffice along with some quick words about my lovely trip. YUMMY FOOD, FANTASTIC WINE, BEAUTIFUL SURROUNDINGS!

In Notre Dame

Behind Notre Dame in the gardens

Gardens behind Notre Dame

Speaks for its self

View from Ponte Neuf

One of my favorite pictures with the Eiffel tower poking through in the background.

Notre Dame

 Just as the sun was setting we made our way over to Notre Dame, where a crowd had gathered to watch the street performs. The light was fantastic with everything turned golden.

Creme Carmel

Quiche from the bakery down the street.

Delectable raspberry torte

The torte was the highlight of one of our picnics. After picking up several cheeses, a lovely baguette, some grapes and a bottle of wine life was perfect!

Cafe

Boeuf bourguignon

Seriously delicious dinner. Melt in your mouth. Somewhere in the Latin quarter behind Notre Dame. Started with mussels in white wine, then boeuf bourguignon, and topped off with delightful chocolate mousse. I loved the food in Paris. So rich and decadent.

You know it. Classic Eiffel tower pic

 After an action packed day of sight seeing Mom and I headed to the Eiffel tower... absolutely spectacular. Even though I was beyond terrified of the heights on top, I can still appreciate the beauty of it.

Dinner in the Latin quarter

One of the beautiful fountains at Versailles

I loved walking through the gardens of Versailles. It was an absolutely gorgeous day and we wondered around in the sun; sitting down by the lake and enjoying an ice cream was a definite highlight.

In the gardens of Versailles

The beautiful Palace of Versailles

 So that is a succinct over view of my beautiful trip!

The year of Change

My fucking computer had been on the fritz. Unfortunately. But I finally have had a moment between the new job, having two twin one year old living with me, buying a new condo, talking to my Dad every night on the phone..... running around to dinner parties, yoga, meeting my real estate agent, and being eternally frustrated with my room mate and her take over of my life. It has been insane. I haven't had a minute to myself. Or at least that is what I feel like. I think if my offer is accepted I will be moving relatively soon. I love living in my place right now. It has everything I think I want but at the same time I am nervous. The year of changes. I lost the love of my life this year. I lost my chance at having his baby and maybe having a baby period. I changed jobs. I changed room mates. I have not had a lot of consistency. The question is do I really need consistency? Maybe all these changes are getting me to the life I dream of. The family with the husband and kids and the dog and the daily happiness. That is what I really want but as I continue to grow this year I wonder if my path is getting further away from those things I want. I have become less and less interested in dating as the year has gone by. I loved D so much and I just feel like I haven't had the closure I really needed to move on from that relationship. So what am I going to do? I kind of want to call him and wish that there was an answer.

Still afraid

When I was in Vernon I ran into D's brother. I was in the store that he works in with my Dad, and my heart literally stopped after I saw him. I am still shocked that this is how things turned out. I really want to have a conversation with D, but I am afraid. I am afraid of being hurt by him. I am afraid of not finding him. I am afraid of still being in love with him. I think I almost at the point where I am ready to do something about it. The question is, am I ready?
I am determined to write about Paris.... but am super tired tonight. Will have more time tomorrow.

A Parisian glimpse

I am back. It has been long since I have written. I have so many thoughts to share since I last wrote but it is late and I have new hours at work (a more convenient 8-430) so there will be more later. I just wanted to share this little anecdote about my trip. The essential travelling moment. I was in the neighbourhood that my hotel was in, just in the Latin Quarter on the border of the 15th district. The square held four cafe/restaurants and anyway that you walked you would come across shops, bakeries, chocolates, patisseries..... you name it this area has it. Anyways my story begins on one afternoon, after leaving my Mom at the hotel to change I ventured out to get us the makings of a picnic. As I was walking up the sidewalk I saw several bakeries, and something that resembled a deli, but I was a little timid to try my french. Then I saw it. A store made only of cheese. It was perfect. The perfect shop. In it was an older man, at least in his late eighties and the owner of the shop, a middle aged man with a friendly face. After venturing to communicate in a mixture of my brutal French and his fifty year old English, we decide that I need to try many of the French cheeses. Before I know it they are bringing out cheeses and cutting me chunks. Slicing thin strips of the side. It was seriously my heaven. I finally left the shop after much sampling with three delightful packages tucked away. A rich brie, which turned out to be our least favorite, a soft goats milk, and a savoury sharp cheddar. This inspired me to keep trekking and by the end of the walk I had a bottle of red wine for me, a Bordeaux; a white bottle, a Chardonnay for Mom; a baguette of the "house bread" and a bunch of delicious grapes. A  picturesque European picnic. The perfect Parisian memory.

Break even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even

Love it................ Just saying. Last day of work. New beginning. Feels like D has no idea where I am in the Universe anymore. Very strange. I wanted to take him with me on this journey so badly and found out along the way that he is no longer coming with me. So we diverged and I am coming back to a new life, and I am also seizing the day and going travelling without him. So excited for Paris. I guess there will be silence on my end for a bit. But hope everyone has a good couple of weeks. I will be back when I get to Vernon.

I am

It is a perfect summer night. I am sitting on my bed with my deck door swung open. I can feel a slight breeze, and can almost hear the ocean in the distance. OK so I can't hear the ocean, but I can feel its presence, in every rustle of leaves, in the soft way the wind blows, in that slightly salty taste on the air. I love summer nights. I have been struggling with my new identity for months now. Struggling to discover myself again. I used to as a young girl, every time I started a journal write a list of things that I am. Like I am romantic, I am intelligent, I am fat, I am a good friend, I am afraid, I am alone. I would write the I am as the truth that I saw. If I did it now I think that I would find such a different girl than I was seven months ago. I might be afraid, but somehow I am not as much as I was. I feel like I have weathered an awful storm, and come out the other side of it a different person. I thought that the new me would be more cynical, more afraid of love. It is funny that I have even been denying that side of me, the girl who believes in things like love that lasts forever. I am a romantic. I still am. He didn't kill it. He might have even made it worse. I think I will love D until my heart stops, and possibly even after. But I will never be that girl again. The girl who chose to stay in the painful relationship so that I wouldn't have to live without him. Elizabeth Gilbert said that in Eat, Love, Pray. She spoke about loving someone so much that the proposition of staying in a painful relationship was something worth considering, as long as you never had to lose that person. I was not brave enough to leave like she was. I was not even brave enough to do what D did. Although I don't know if he did it because he was brave or just afraid. Afraid of losing his family, of having a failed marriage. Part of me still wishes he loved me enough to be afraid of hurting me. Of losing me.
So I am brave now. I am still romantic. I am full of courage. I am trying to be happy. I am hopeful. I am ... I am... I am....

Venting

I need to use this to vent some fears, and some frustrations. I am living with my new roommate whom I normally adore. With this being said since I moved in with her I am annoyed with the constant questions. I feel like she is constantly asking me if I am OK. Well to be honest I am not OK. I miss having my living room quiet. I miss coming home and being able to sit. I want to be able to clean and not have it be messy two seconds later. I realize this is the situation when you have kids, but this is not my life yet. I wanted it to be my life but its not. I do not have kids. I do not think I am ready to have this life. It is Saturday night and I spent the night going to the park, helping with bath time, feeding one of the boys and putting them to bed. I organized dinner around what time the boys would be in bed. I am now sitting alone in the dark in my living room at 1130pm. I am liking the quiet but beyond that I am single and alone on a Saturday night. It is borderline depressing. I do not know how to approach this.... I know I need to say something to my new roommate about how this is not working for me but I have no idea how to broach this topic. I put myself in this situation but I have no idea how to diplomatically get myself out of it. Fuck balls.

Afraid of Change, who me?

I am sort of renowned for my fear of change. I never do well with encroaching change, even if it is meant to be positive change. This does not go to say that I do not roll with the punches when they fly, and that I as of late I have really proven that I am capable of change. Since this devastating change with D I am now secure in the knowledge that I am fully capable of picking myself up and dusting myself off. I can handle change. I just don't have to like it. So it is with this that I am taking a giant step forward in my career. I am going to fight for the life that I want. I didn't like my place at work, and it just took some focus of energy. I expended so much energy trying to make D and I work. I lived and breathed our relationship in order to make it even be a semblance of a relationship. I have found that since I started putting that energy into other things like finding a job that will make me happy, and bring less financial difficulty I am succeeding. I was told about a year before D and I broke up by my sister's psychic that if I managed to move away from D I would find the things that would make me happy. Like love. She said she could see that I was in a dark room and I couldn't see a way out when I was with D. She also said that the man for me was just outside the door lurking, waiting for me to see what I really wanted. I just had to really move on from D. I left there carrying this hope in my heart but also scoffing at it. Afraid of a life without D. Wanting him to be my person and also knowing at the same time I wanted more happiness in my life than what he was giving me. I am excited about the opportunity to find out what I can bring into my life. What happiness can I make? I hope that this job will be a step in the right direction. I am nervous but carrying high hopes.
On another note I would like to say just eight more sleeps till Paris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Satan's best disguise is man

I was going to talk about the fact that today  I found out that I got the much coveted job I recently interviewed for (and believe me I will be discussing this very soon!) but I find myself wanting to say more how grateful I am for the things that have come into my life since I let go of D. I was talking to my very wise sister tonight, and she was telling me how proud she was of me, and how far I have come in just a few short months. She said that she had never seen me be so low and anxious as I was with D, and how I there was literally nothing that could tear me away from my phone. She said that she was proud of me for going for it, for saying that I was not going to settle for the life I had. I am building a new life, and it is a life to be proud of. My very wise sister also said that Satan best disguises himself as men, and that she will from now on be referring to my ex as Satan. I couldn't help but laugh. She knows exactly how to mix the best parts of profound thought with ridiculous humour. I miss living in the same town as her.
I am so excited to be starting something new. To have a new opportunity and to have a chance to make something of myself. I was so tired of my job and the office politics. I needed change and I went out and sought it. Somehow I feel like I earned this break. This chance to continue with positive change. More later... bed is calling.

James Joyce move over

I just spent the weekend at my friends' wedding. It was beautiful french garden party themed wedding, with beautiful white lights, a live three stringed quartet and great company made this one of the loveliest weddings I have ever attended. Two long tables were set with white linen, candles and beautiful fresh flowers in an assortment of colours. The tables were topped off with basket laden with rustic bread, yummy cheeses, olives,  jams, butter and a bottle of wine. It was the perfect appetizers and a very unique touch.

I had a fantastic time and couldn't help but feel a little envious at all the happy couples surrounding me. I would like to be able to find someone. I miss D when I got to things like this, I imagine the wedding we would have had. I think we would have been happy together if it had been another time, another place. I think our wedding would have been beautiful, envious to others. If we had only started differently, worked harder, loved better. But then I would be married to a man capable of such hate towards me. Such cruelty. So will I have a chance at love? Will someone love me like the people I saw at the wedding. Will I have a person to walk through life with? And if I don't will I be happy in the end.