Blinded by Rainbows

I saw a play tonight, Death of a Clown. A social commentary on conformity and life. I actually would definitely recommend it to anyone living in the Vancouver or Victoria area in the next couple of weeks to go and check it out. It was clever and witty and at times laugh out loud funny. It also left me feeling a little sad because in the end conformity wins. It is not a happy ending play and I couldn't help but feel the parallels in my life. I highly suspect that if D didn't have this overwhelming need to conform, to be liked, to be accepted... well lets just say I don't believe that I would be here, writing from the heartbreak hotel. But then again somehow his true character would have shown through and I would have eventually taken up lodging here. I wanted to believe I could make him a better man. That with me he wouldn't have to be a coward and I could show him the way idealism works. Ha ha. I was naive in that he would let me. I just feel I would have helped him be a better D.
Well there will be more thoughts on conformity soon. I just took a zopiclone though and I am now getting super sleepy.
Heading to Vtown tomorrow night. Looking forward to some family and friend time. Will keep you posted on the happenings if I can....

Screaming on the inside

I feel alone today and no amount of work, friends, or family is going to make that feeling dissipate. I am really fucking tired of all this trying and "faking it to make it", when at the end of the day I still feel like I am missing my right arm. Or the big hole in my heart. None of it feels right, or real. I feel like I have been living in a dream and I am wondering when I am going to wake up. D when am I going to wake up and when are you going to swoop in and rescue me? Your not. Not because I completely believe that you are not coming back ever again, just that even I will not be able to lie to myself this time and tell me everything is OK. Even I know that I am better off alone, working through this shit than being with you. I just miss you everyday. Maybe not every moment like before but still everyday. I don't know what makes me sadder, that I will just forget you one day and forget to miss you. You, my right arm. Or that I have to miss you at all, that I loved someone like you enough to make myself believe you were my right arm.
I smile at people all day long. I do. I make jokes and pretend that I am brave and strong and really I want to scream. I can not believe that people do not see it. That they can not hear me screaming from the inside. I look around my bedroom and see the stuff that I honestly do not have the energy to pack up. Like the flowers you sent me for my fake birthday. Or the toy solider that you bought to protect me for valentines day. What I need is for one of my friends to come and visit and force all of these things into a box. The funny thing is I know what they would say. I can hear each of their voices saying "get this shit out of here". "If you don't do it I will". Well the offer is open ladies, anyone want to come and help me get over this hurtle?
That's the thing. I can have as many friends as a person can make and still I am without a best friend here in Victoria. There are some people that you never have to explain to. That just take you for who you are, and don't have to ask the questions, because they know you. I don't have any one that even resembles that here in Victoria. The person who will come in and say what are you doing? Scold while hugging type love. I miss that. Not enough to move back to Vernon and throw in the towel. But I do really miss the people you don't have to fake it in front of.

The last flame.....

Guard hope like you would guard the last flame.

I love this. I feel like that has been my mission lately, to not give up and drown in the utter despair I feel. I want to be a woman who still believes in first kisses, and love, and romance and men. I just find that believing, really believing is so much harder than I ever thought possible. I hate that when he left he took that piece of me with him, the piece of me that loved. I hope that this is just part of the plan for me. That there is a master plan for me and that I am going to end up with more happiness than I thought possible. So there you have it, hope still exists and I am clinging to it like a drowning rat. I think that if you lose the ability to have hope the pain becomes intolerable. Just a guess... because really no matter what he has done to me and I have done to me, I still have maintained my ability to hope. For love, for friendship, for healing, for a moment of silence from my thoughts, for sleep, for whatever the fuck it is I need to get through the day. I wake up and I hope that today will be the day I feel better. That I don't second guess my choice about the baby. That I don't miss him. That I don't ache. So yes, I am guarding it with my life.

Let there be sleep

I haven't been sleeping well. Before this all happened I wasn't always sleeping well either because I had to make sure I didn't wake up too early because then I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. The anxiety would eat at me as I waited to hear from him, to know that he had come back. I have to say that I do not miss that feeling. It is not like I miss the anxiety it is just that I miss our mornings together and the anxiety equalled his return in my mind. Essentially I know that he will not be calling so the mornings have become the hardest part of my day. That and falling asleep in his arms. I just had the best sleeps beside him. We always slept so well together, from the very first night he was such a cuddlier. When he was living in Nanaimo we used to sleep on a single foamy on the floor, pressed together all night and I swear those were the best sleeps of my life. I miss sleeping with him. There is something about waking up next to the person you feel like you are supposed to be with, and feeling safe and secure and actually above all well rested. I haven't had that feeling in over a month. Even saying that makes me want to cry because I know I will never get to wake up to his kiss on my shoulder again. Part of me is screaming PLEASE COME BACK and part of me is screaming RUN AWAY. The sad part is I have no idea which team is winning.

Another word

Last night I stood at your doorstep
Trying to figure out what went wrong
You just slipped somethin' into my palm, then you were gone
I could smell the same deep green of summer
Above me the same night sky was glowin'
In the distance I could see the town where I was born
It's gonna be a long walk home
Hey pretty darling, don't wait up for me
Gonna be a long walk home
A long walk homeIn town I passed Sal's grocery
The barbershop on South Street
I looked in their faces*
They were all rank strangers to me*
The veteran's hall high upon the hill
Stood silent and alone
The diner was shuttered and boarded
With a sign that just said "gone"
It's gonna be a long walk home
Hey pretty darling, don't wait up for me
Gonna be a long walk homeHey pretty darling, don't wait up for me
Gonna be a long walk home
It's gonna be a long walk home
Here everybody has a neighbor
Everybody has a friend
Everybody has a reason to begin again
My father said "Son, we're lucky in this town,
It's a beautiful place to be born.
It just wraps its arms around you,
Nobody crowds you and nobody goes it alone
You know that flag flying over the courthouse
Means certain things are set in stone
Who we are, what we'll do and what we won't"
It's gonna be a long walk home
ey pretty darling, don't wait up for me
Gonna be a long walk home
Hey pretty darling, don't wait up for me
Gonna be a long walk home
It's gonna be a long walk home
It's gonna be a long walk home
Hey pretty darling, don't wait up for me
Gonna be a long walk home
Hey pretty darling, don't wait up for me
Gonna be a long walk home
It's gonna be a long walk home
It's gonna be a long walk home

http://www.brucespringsteen.net/news/index.html

Oh Tomorrow is another day...............

I have not been able to sleep. I have to get ready for work soon and my night was filled with tossing and turning and thoughts of him. He haunts me. I understand that after five years it would be impossible to walk away without a thought for him, the logic is so clearly there. But then I wonder how is it possible he has been able to get away from me without missing me. Or maybe he does miss things about me and isn't able to show it because he is busy trying to keep his marriage together. I want him to miss me like I miss him but somehow I don't believe that he is. D was always able to keep his emotions under lock and key. Not welling up and over like mine. Yet I know that they lurk there because every once in awhile they bubbled to the surface. Like when we were making love and he would whisper in my ear, or when he bought me angel wings for my Christmas tree.

Or the ABC box he made for me of all the things he loved about me. He loved me.... or at least I need to believe he did or the pain is too unbearable. I always called him the ying to my yang, but when I stop to examine the situation more clearly I wonder if I was not just dismissing things in a very Scarlett O'Hara way. Maybe instead of saying his differences compliment me I should have examined if those differences caused me pain. I like to feel loved. I like people to show their love. It was so rare that D got really emotional. Well tomorrow finally came and although it is another day I can no longer say I will think of it later. For my own sanity I must think of it now. It has been over a month and I have to say it, although it does not bring me much hope, when I think of it the pain still sears. I feel out of breath it hurts so much. Although time is making life more bearable it really isn't capable of taking that hurt away. Not yet at least.

She-Ra where did you go?

I got drunk tonight. For AVI... Dine out for life was happening and I felt the need to go out and spend $85 on dinner... which meant mostly drinks... which turned into that moment of why doesn't he love me? Not even that. Why doesn't he care enough about me to call and find out if I am OK. I mean clearly I am not OK but still after five years doesn't that deserve some respect? The answer is YES. So many promises made and broken. Everyone says that I think once in a lifetime. At least. I want to get this lesson so I never have to live it again. I turned my phone off so I wouldn't call him in this moment, and I guess somehow that gives me strength. Every day that I don't call him in these moments gives me strength to say I deserve more than this. I am a woman of many levels and I deserve someone who sees all that I am worth and all the levels that I exist on. Wow clearly I am still drunk. I have become all She-Ra on steroids.

The big questions

I have been thinking lately of things I want to be when I grow up... don't say it. I know. I am a grown up. But that's not entirely what I mean. Like if I could imagine my life anyway I wanted it what would I see. The truth is I don't really know. I used to know. I used to picture things like D and me making it work, having a family, sharing a home, making a life. So if I had one wish would I wish that true? I hope not. I hope I want more for myself than that lousy asshole but I am not sure. I need to think on that one.
The question I am posing tonight is if you could have the life that you wish for yourself what would it be? What does that look like? Where do you live? Who are you with? Where do you work? Do you work? See there are so many questions. So I am going to ask them all of myself. I will get back to you on where I get to with the answers. Feel free to share with me if you have some of your own.

PS there were many more moments today when I forgot to hurt.

My road to hell is paved with your good intentions

I have been searching for you needlessly. I have been waiting to hear from you when you are not going to call. I have been filling the moments with its going to be OK, when the truth is I have been waiting for it to be OK because you make it OK. For so long I have lived like this. With your call or your hug or your kiss making me OK. I am OK without you and my heart keeps beating and my body keeps going and I am still here. It might not feel OK all the time but there are more and more moments of me. The real me. The feisty me. The me you didn't really get to know. She shows up more, in moments with her friends. In her new busy schedule. In reconnecting with people from the past. In all the ways and things that didn't really grow with you around. My therapist said tonight I am a different person than the person who came into her office four months ago. I am even a different person than the person who came in three sessions ago. I could play the victim here and say you killed that girl. The strong, fun, happy girl who used to be. But the truth is I killed her to make room for the girl I thought you needed me to be. I don`t know if things would have been different for us if I had maintained my sense of self but I know they would have been different for me. Funny that I am so sure of that. I can see how I got here. Yes we can say I have some Daddy issues, although again that is not really taking responsibility. But I can see it. I accept certain behaviours from my Dad, so I easily accepted them in you. The hurtful acts followed by the apology. Where have I seen that MO before????? Oh right. So my road to hell was paved with many things including your good intentions. Somehow though I am OK. Maybe not right this moment while writing to you, but earlier at my interview at AVI. Earlier while doing my taxes. Earlier while emailing my adorable broker. Not that you really care that I am OK but I do. Finally, after all this time, I do.

Stringing moments of OK

I was sleeping pretty well last night, and I woke up this morning on a sunny warm March day and my first thought was D. Why is that? I guess its because for five years he was almost always the first person I talked to or heard from. If I had a wish I would wish that we could talk with total honesty even if it was just once. He could tell me why, and I would be able to hear the truth. I also would love to have that conversation when there is 100% certainty in my heart that I would never take him back. So I stick to my challenge of not calling him so that I know for sure there isn't the possibility of that. I have a daydream where I think we will be friends or that I always love him which sort of turns out to be a "Love in the time of cholera" thing. Part of me wants to forget quickly, to move on quickly and part of me feels despair when I think that I am going to lose all those positive thoughts. If I ever get to the point of truly disliking him for what he did then I will not be able to remember all the great times we had with the same yearning for them. Ideally I suppose I will be making memories with a man worthy of my time and who truly loves me and would never hurt me the way D did. But even when I say that a little part of me wishes that we could have at least been friends. He was the person I told everything to. I am pretty sure I heard most of his secrets. Until the end. So my mind has to reconcile all the things I knew with the person he really was. The coward who couldn't tell the truth and who waited til my weakest moment to kick me. Literally waiting until there was five minutes left so he wouldn't have to talk to me about it.
So obviously I woke up this morning a little melancholy and the infinite sadness.... so what am I going to do today to make things better you ask? I am going to keep moving. The thing that makes me do this overthinking the most is when I am alone and have nothing to do. Today is shopping with a friend and then looking for real estate. Babysitting tonight and even staying over. I could not be any busier today. They say it gets easier with time. My counsellor who I have deduced is very wise told me it will be like moments of being OK getting strung closer and closer together. I picture it like when you hang clothes out on the line. I have moments of being OK. Last night I was a girlfriend's for dinner and there were several times I was perfectly fine and D didn't cross my mind. So I am stringing my moments of OK closer together on the line. Just thought you should know.

A word from our sponser

I pack my case. I check my face.
I look a little bit older.
I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer.
I move a little bit closer.
For reasons unknown.

I caught my stride.
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

There was an open chair.
We sat down in the open chair.
I said if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you at all.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.

I said my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.

For reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown; for reasons unknown.
http://www.thekillersmusic.com/

First stop disasterville

I had dinner with some friends tonight that are in a one of those relationships when you can see the train wreck coming. You know the ones. Where the people are constantly snipping at each other like bitches in heat. The relationships that never end on good terms because the friendship is gone, and all they are left with is how they used to feel about each other. I never thought that D and I would end like that. We were each other's friends till the bitter end, or at least he pretended he was my friend until the very last moment and then he couldn't pretend anymore. It is interesting though that it is possible to see the wreck that is awaiting my friends and know the inevitable and yet I was so willing to turn a blind eye to the train wreck that had become my life. I literally did not think about the other woman, EVER. I did not question the fact that his lies to her could so easily be his lies to me. I let my anxiety about losing him rule my life. The anxiety might even have been worse than the reality but the ruling is still out on that one.
The point that I am really trying to make is that why does such clarity come when looking at another person's life? I joke with one friend of mine a lot about how we should make each other's decisions, and the truth is if she made my decisions for me I wouldn't be in this mess now. But unfortunately that is not the way the world works and I made bad decisions on my own accord. Having done that now though I have this urge to warn the important people in my life heading towards this obvious crash. I desperately want to yell "STOP"! Look around and see that this train has blown right through disasterville and is moving straight on to Godjustshitonyou town. Maybe if I had looked up to read the signs once in a while I might have missed he'lleaveuwhileyouarepregnant municipality, cheatingonyourwife district, and thisguyisaloser village. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Dear Ms. Turner,

I have been listening to a lot of Tina Turner lately. Mostly "When the heartache is over" and singing my little heart out. I know this might come as a shock but it has lead me to think about why these songs are written. Yes it has not occurred to me until recently that other people might know exactly what this pain feels like. I am not the only one in the World who has experienced the devastation of heartache, the grief of loss. Its not that I am not aware of other people. That isn't true. I have seen my friends through their share of loss. It's just that heartache can be so isolating. It can feel like you are absolutely alone. Which brings me back to the song. The song wouldn't exist if people didn't truly understand what they were saying. A song doesn't become the theme of a break up if the lyrics are untrue. I might sing this song as loud as humanly possible in hopes that there is truth in the lyrics. I need to believe that "when the heartache is over I won't be missing you". How simple a statement. How cliche. And yet perfect. I have to believe that Ms. Turner knows a thing or two about loss and surviving.
I went out with a couple of coworkers last night for drinks. One of my friends has suffered immeasurably. Her boyfriend of ten years left her for another woman shortly after their second child was born. You can see that she has been wounded but somehow got through it. When she shared this story with me I could see that it was painful. But somehow the pain has eased. There are amazing women everywhere. I see them everyday. I really should take a lesson.

after thought.............

As an after thought I was reading through some other blogs and came across this.... I like it and wanted to share. Enjoy

http://defyinggravitynow.blogspot.com/2010/01/alices-12-commandments.html

Blisters from the road less travelled by

I dreamt about him last night. It was so real and it made my heartache. I woke up realizing I would never speak or hear from again. I am still in complete devastation and shock over this. I can not understand this for the life of me, he was such a different person to me. Always trying to protect, telling me how much he cares.... OK ENOUGH. No more wallowing today. I think I am just sad today and busy replaying all those things that he said and did in the last little bit. I trusted him so blindly that it never occurred to me that he could be lying to me or setting me up. My therapist said if he was lying to his wife why wouldn't he lie to you? But the truth is I thought I was special to him. That we were special. I don't think that he was lying that whole time, I just think that when push came to shove he couldn't or wouldn't man up to take responsibility for the situation. It was so much easier to push me under the bus than to deal with it. I hope every little thing reminds him of me. What I don't understand is how can she live with knowing that he can't help but think of me sometimes? I guess the same way that I lived with knowing that she existed.
So my friend is walking me to work again tomorrow. I don't know if this is a good idea but I keep going with it. It doesn't hurt me that he is nice to me but unfortunately it might end up hurting him. Is this a decision a woman who loves herself would make? I don't know. I guess I will have discuss this with my counsellor. I think it is crazy how different my life is in a matter of less than a month. I would never picked this road if I wasn't forced on it. What do they say about the road less travelled? Well so far I have blisters from my new shoes, a broken heart, and a lot less money due to the new clothes I have felt it necessary to buy. I have gained a sense of survival at whatever cost, I don't live for the next text message anymore, and my anxiety about him leaving me is gone. I would have to say so far the easy road is winning. I will keep you posted though.

Revenge Kissing

I have seriously contemplated what it would mean to just give up at this point. To throw in the towel and say FUCK YOU WORLD. I give up. But somehow I have not. I miss him. I do not understand how he could do this to me or that he is actually never going to call me again. This seems beyond cruel, and I do not think I would recognize this person if he were described to me blindly.
I have kissed two different men in a matter of 24 hours and I have to say I never want to do that again. The first man doesn't deserve to be my rebound. He is probably a very nice person who genuinely finds me interesting and is attracted to me and all I can think of when he is talking is how much I wish he was D. The second guy is an idiot and a waste of my time. Sounds harsh but I am supposed to be asking myself is this a decision that a woman who loves herself would make, and the answer is NO. I thought that the male attention would somehow make this bearable but so far all I feel is empty. I cry more after their kisses than I do during any other part of my day. The truth is no amount of new men, kissing, new dresses, walking to work, classes or book clubs is going to make this anything other than D left me in the cruelest way imaginable. I loved him. And this hurts. Tonight it hurts so badly I do not know how I am still breathing. I just realized how depressing a post this is, and I must remember that I have had some very bright moments in this long road. But the truth is painful tonight and I can't make him come back. Even if I could make him come back I know I shouldn't. So I sit in my empty bed and try not to think of him and the way he kissed me. Those perfect kisses.
Tomorrow I meet with my real estate agent and I am doing something for me! I am going to buy a home if I can find one in my price range, that I like. If you are out there D, I don't need you. See I am not broken.

Fuck I miss my person

It hurts today. Actually that is not completely true. It hurts right now. I had an OK day, one that I was able to escape from him for longer periods. I had a friend(ish) type guy come and walk me to work this morning. I actually was able to focus on him for the majority of the walk and feel good about what we were talking about. I bought another dress at lunch and I only thought about how he would tell me I was beautiful in it once. I walked home from work and blasted Rhiannon on repeat and avoided all thoughts of him. I started book club with all these fun, intelligent women. I AM REALLY FUCKING TRYING! But the second I left book club all I wanted to do was call him and tell him about all the things I have been doing. He was nagging me about getting new tires for months and would have been thrilled I finally got around to doing it. He would love that I am walking to work. He would fake enthusiasm for my book club. I can hear all his responses and I really fucking miss him right now. Like my heart hurts. I still can't believe I never get to talk to him again or that he doesn't care how I am doing at all. How can he not be thinking of me??? I must have at the very least infected his day to day thoughts, but what about all those little things that he loved about me? Don't they hurt or jab him when little reminders pop up? Because I hear his best friends name and it hurts. I hear his birthday come up and it hurts. I walk past his favourite food place and I want to tell him. He was my person. I always called him that, and he used it too. And I recently lost my person, the person I tell everything to. The person who heard everything, the good , bad and the ugly. And now he never wants to know again. THAT FUCKING KILLS!

Blue polka dot dress

I bought a blue dress with polka dots today. It was the perfect dress. The perfect "I wish you would bump into me because I look happy and pretty" dress. You have to fake it to make it, right. Well I am really faking it. I went to my counsellor tonight and she said I am doing really well under the circumstances. I feel like I am just going through the motions though. The dress will not make it better but I will look better in the dress. If I look better I might eventually feel how I look? Is this the theory behind all this madness.
One moment I feel like it is never going to be OK again and then some moments I feel like how could I have ever loved him. He was undeserving of all the love I gave him. Somehow I still feel like I would give it to him again. I just wouldn't give me up again. Somehow this is going to be my lesson. I am going to learn something from this and never give me up again for a man. I miss him but I have to say I missed me too.

Let me let you .....

Did I mention that at work I used to hear from D every hour... a little kiss or hug text. Sometimes a holding or a lick..... all stupid but I loved it. I loved that he thought of me so often and checked in. It made me feel special. I must have looked at my desk where I used to keep my phone a hundred times today. I took his pictures down and I didn't cry once at work. But I wanted to. I wanted to call him and beg him to come back. To text me again and make me whole again. Instead I worked my ass off all day and on every single break worked on my self improvement. I found an application to volunteer at AIDS Victoria. I am going to take a workshop on AIDS next Thursday night if I get accepted. My Mom said that this might be a little depressing, but I don't know if I feel like it is too depressing. It might be great to help someone feel better. Maybe I will meet people who care about the same things I do. I used to care about the World around me. I think in our entire relationship I talked about politics or society less than ten times. What do you think that means? I was so willing to give up that huge part of me because he didn't find it interesting. I became this needy girl, who was utterly dependent on someone else for happiness. He must of thought of me as being so pathetic. Its funny I thought we got to the place we were in together, but he was able to leave when the shit hit the fan and I wasn't. I thought we were in this. Maybe because he told me a hundred million times he was never leaving. But why did I need him to say this so often? I know that he hurt me and there is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour but there is a part of me who knows why it was easy for him to treat me badly. I let him.
I hope that my solution to this utter abyss, "the keep busy solution", is the way to happiness. I just have a fear that if I stop doing for even a minute I will give up. Or that I will never get me back.

First day home

I survived. I not only survived today but I completely managed. I woke up this morning in my bedroom and realized that I have to keep going or I won't make it. I can't stop moving ahead or it will get way harder. He haunts me here. There are so many notes, diaries, flowers, little gifts.... but somehow I am going to do it. I think I am going to go and get a box and throw it all together. I don't know if I am ready to throw it away but it will be good to get it out of my space. I suppose it would be healthier to throw it all away but then there is a sick part of me that is not ready to throw away it away. WHY? I hope that it isn't because some part of me is clinging to the possibility of him. I hope it is just me getting used to the idea of no him ever again. Side note - writing that hurt.
Today I did things. I spent the day with my friends and their babies. It was distracting and helpful. We went and got new sheets for my bed and although they make my room look different I like it. They have no association with him. I also went and got a new alarm clock. I spent so many years waking up to his texts, or his calls and I don't want to wake up wanting that anymore. I want to wake up to the radio and new thoughts. Hopeful thoughts. I figured an alarm clock was a good start. Finally I joined a book club. It starts this Thursday! I am hopeful that I will meet new people and start enjoying my evenings.
What I have discovered so far is that surviving heartbreak is all about baby steps. Wake up, actually shower, do your hair, go for the walk, buy a few groceries. All those things that were easy become hard. So each step becomes significant and every day an accomplishment. Today is a huge accomplishment!

You can go home and other random ramblings

It turns out you can go home. You also can not run away from trouble, there isn't a place that far. Turns out cliches become cliches for a reason. I am back in Victoria, actually writing this from my couch. I only cried for about ten minutes. It turns out he left little reminders of himself all over my apartment. But he doesn't get to control this moment. I am going to own it. I can do this. Even though I am feeling anything but the confidence that it takes to write this I am going to say it over and over again until it is true. He will not break me. On our drive home from Vernon today my friend said to me "its not what kills you that makes you stronger, its what doesn't break you that makes you stronger." He is not going to break me! Wow I sound way stronger than I feel. But you got to fake it to make it....
I have to say I am feeling pretty rough today. Last night was fantastic. I haven't had fun in at least two weeks, and didn't know if it would be possible. Turns out I am a rock star. The girls and I went out for an amazing night. What does someone do without girlfriends? I know that I have mentioned this recently but I honestly do not know how people do without them. The party was hysterical. The drinks were outrageous. The conversation was spectacular. I danced like it was my last night on Earth. There is something about dancing in a circle of people who love you, and just working it. I can only hope that all you woman out there get to have that kind of night with your girls. It revitalizes you, reminds you that life is manageable, they are my family and I love them.
Well we were out I have to say we met some men. Here is what is interesting, men still find me attractive. I was on the dance floor with my beautiful girls and a guy picked me out of the crowd. They assure me he was hitting on me, which I am still in doubt about because if you saw my friends you would understand what it means to be surround by beautiful women! But he was persistent, grabbing my hand to dance with me, dragging me on stage, chatting me up. So if I can get over my lack of self confidence I can say that it made me feel better to have a man hit on me. The additional boost to my confidence was the second guy who tried to pick me up. Although while I was sitting there talking to him I had flashes of fear of having to get to know someone again. That whole D knew everything about me and didn't love me fear. I actually mentioned my devastating break up and instead of shying away from it he spent the next half hour telling me how beautiful I am. That my giggle is sexy, the way I tuck my hair behind my ear is alluring, my smile is so friendly. It was almost embarrassing except I desperately needed to hear this. The thing that resonated most with me was when he told me that if I was sitting next to a supermodel more men would want to be with me than with her. Now I know this is bullshit. BUT I loved that he said it. He even asked to kiss my check and ended up sending shivers down my body when he kissed my neck. Although I am absolutely not ready to have my neck kissed by anyone I am grateful that I met such a sweet man.
This all brings me to now. This moment on the couch. I am here and I am fighting back. I know this was a long one. I guess a lot happened in a short period of time. Ha ha. Sort of like my life as of late. I just wanted to let it be known I am really not going to give up.

Girlfriends

When all else fails go and see your girlfriends.... I am lucky. My girlfriends came to me. I just spent the night out with my girls, the people who love me no matter what. THE REAL PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME. For a brief moment it didn't hurt quite as badly and I laughed. There is something about my friends that makes me a better person because each one of them has lived and shared their lives with me and I get to see that. Strength personified. Hope and romanticism. Fighting for what you want. These ladies embody the qualities that I hope to obtain on this journey. I guess what I have learnt is that there are people that you can always count on. It is a good feeling to be so supported, even though I am pretty sure they were blue in the face from telling me how destructive this relationship was by the time D left. But I didn't have to hear I told you so. I just got I love you and you are going to be OK. So I guess if the any of you girls ever read this all I have to say is I love you too.

So he really hasn't called....

I turned my phone on and he hasn't tried to call. No text. NOTHING. I really meant so little to him that he could just walk away and never say another word. It hurts like a rip through my soul. I can't stop crying. How could he loved me so little, that I am so expendable.
I just want to pick up the phone and call him and beg him to tell me why I mean nothing? He knows this is killing me and he really doesn't care. I see that he picked his wife and his family but did he do it for the right reasons? He was always so afraid.
I am supposed to ask myself every time I am going to make a decision, "Is this something a woman who loves herself would do?", the answer is NO to calling him. To spending time going through my phone, looking at all his old texts and pictures. So I am going to leave my phone at home today, charging and I will attempt to feel better about this by the end of the day. I will not worry about why he hasn't called me and focus on what will make me happy. HE DOES NOT MAKE ME HAPPY! I have to believe this!

Dreaming of his return - seriously sick!

I have been stuck on the thought of never talking to him again. I guess I miss him and I am struggling with the idea he could go from talking to me everyday and being such a huge part of each other's lives to never wanting to talk to me again. I guess I just don't believe that this is true. Part of me thinks the reason he was so horrible in the end was to make it easier for him to leave. How cowardly. All those times he said we were a team or that he would never leave me. Or at the very least if she ever found out he would call me to talk about it. He didn't even give me that courtesy. I wonder if she will leave him. I actually am obsessing about it... But that is not a life for me. That is being stuck on him and letting my life be all about D again.
Today was good. Although with that being said I thought about the unborn child a lot. I was out with my sister and cousin, and her baby. It isn't any one's fault but it feels like there is a baby in my face constantly. I want to be a mother. One day. I wanted desperately to be the mother of his children. To be his wife. For us to have a life together. The problem is I was dreaming of something that was not possible in our current circumstances. And he let me believe. He enabled me with his encouraging words and loving touches. I guess a huge part of me is still dreaming he will leave her and we will find a way to figure it out. Even as I write this I know that I am supposed to want more for myself. I am supposed to want to be with a kind man. A loyal man. A trustworthy man. So far all I want is D. If I was religious I would pray for the those thoughts to be carried out of my body. In all honesty I just want a glimpse of the future. Five years from now. To see I am OK, that I meet a man who is good and kind. I get married and get the children I always wanted. I get over D and even when I think of him years from now it is only with fond memories and the pain has faded so much it doesn't take my breath away.

Making a plan...if that's what you call it

Today was hard. Mostly because I spent the afternoon with my stepmom and she tore into me until it felt like I couldn't breath. By the time I was dropped off at my Mom's house I was ready to sob hysterically. Which I did. The problem with my stepmom is that didn't just let it drop at the fact that D must not have ever loved me but continued by comparing me to my friends and telling me that they have all accomplished goals. What am I doing with my life? Why don't I have any goals? I have goals. They all involved him. I know that sounds pathetic but I just believed in happily ever after with him. I don't know if I believe in happily ever after at all but I want to. I just have to stop daydreaming he is going to tell me he is sorry. That he does pick me. I should have listened when he said so many times there was never a choice. This was all decided before I got in the picture. Because a man who really loved me would have changed the picture. Or fought hard for me. Or at the very least would never have left me two hours after aborting his baby.
So I have decided to return home to Victoria at the end of this week. I am so nervous as I am still struggling with every day but I think I need to just focus on what I am going to do to make it OK for me to be there. To start I am going to spend some time this evening or tomorrow looking into some classes I can take in the evening after work. I am also going to look into volunteering at the children's hospital. That will definitely help me feel better. I am going to look into my masters program. I am going to walk to work and try and enjoy the fresh air! Maybe even lose some of the weight I have gained over the last few years. Eventually I will remember what I want or at the very least who I am. I know everyone says the pain goes away with time. I am not sure I believe that. Right now all I can do is focus on how to make this better right now, in the moment. I wonder why it is that I feel the need to fill my life to make the pain go away?