Oh Tomorrow is another day...............

I have not been able to sleep. I have to get ready for work soon and my night was filled with tossing and turning and thoughts of him. He haunts me. I understand that after five years it would be impossible to walk away without a thought for him, the logic is so clearly there. But then I wonder how is it possible he has been able to get away from me without missing me. Or maybe he does miss things about me and isn't able to show it because he is busy trying to keep his marriage together. I want him to miss me like I miss him but somehow I don't believe that he is. D was always able to keep his emotions under lock and key. Not welling up and over like mine. Yet I know that they lurk there because every once in awhile they bubbled to the surface. Like when we were making love and he would whisper in my ear, or when he bought me angel wings for my Christmas tree.

Or the ABC box he made for me of all the things he loved about me. He loved me.... or at least I need to believe he did or the pain is too unbearable. I always called him the ying to my yang, but when I stop to examine the situation more clearly I wonder if I was not just dismissing things in a very Scarlett O'Hara way. Maybe instead of saying his differences compliment me I should have examined if those differences caused me pain. I like to feel loved. I like people to show their love. It was so rare that D got really emotional. Well tomorrow finally came and although it is another day I can no longer say I will think of it later. For my own sanity I must think of it now. It has been over a month and I have to say it, although it does not bring me much hope, when I think of it the pain still sears. I feel out of breath it hurts so much. Although time is making life more bearable it really isn't capable of taking that hurt away. Not yet at least.