My road to hell is paved with your good intentions

I have been searching for you needlessly. I have been waiting to hear from you when you are not going to call. I have been filling the moments with its going to be OK, when the truth is I have been waiting for it to be OK because you make it OK. For so long I have lived like this. With your call or your hug or your kiss making me OK. I am OK without you and my heart keeps beating and my body keeps going and I am still here. It might not feel OK all the time but there are more and more moments of me. The real me. The feisty me. The me you didn't really get to know. She shows up more, in moments with her friends. In her new busy schedule. In reconnecting with people from the past. In all the ways and things that didn't really grow with you around. My therapist said tonight I am a different person than the person who came into her office four months ago. I am even a different person than the person who came in three sessions ago. I could play the victim here and say you killed that girl. The strong, fun, happy girl who used to be. But the truth is I killed her to make room for the girl I thought you needed me to be. I don`t know if things would have been different for us if I had maintained my sense of self but I know they would have been different for me. Funny that I am so sure of that. I can see how I got here. Yes we can say I have some Daddy issues, although again that is not really taking responsibility. But I can see it. I accept certain behaviours from my Dad, so I easily accepted them in you. The hurtful acts followed by the apology. Where have I seen that MO before????? Oh right. So my road to hell was paved with many things including your good intentions. Somehow though I am OK. Maybe not right this moment while writing to you, but earlier at my interview at AVI. Earlier while doing my taxes. Earlier while emailing my adorable broker. Not that you really care that I am OK but I do. Finally, after all this time, I do.