Stringing moments of OK

I was sleeping pretty well last night, and I woke up this morning on a sunny warm March day and my first thought was D. Why is that? I guess its because for five years he was almost always the first person I talked to or heard from. If I had a wish I would wish that we could talk with total honesty even if it was just once. He could tell me why, and I would be able to hear the truth. I also would love to have that conversation when there is 100% certainty in my heart that I would never take him back. So I stick to my challenge of not calling him so that I know for sure there isn't the possibility of that. I have a daydream where I think we will be friends or that I always love him which sort of turns out to be a "Love in the time of cholera" thing. Part of me wants to forget quickly, to move on quickly and part of me feels despair when I think that I am going to lose all those positive thoughts. If I ever get to the point of truly disliking him for what he did then I will not be able to remember all the great times we had with the same yearning for them. Ideally I suppose I will be making memories with a man worthy of my time and who truly loves me and would never hurt me the way D did. But even when I say that a little part of me wishes that we could have at least been friends. He was the person I told everything to. I am pretty sure I heard most of his secrets. Until the end. So my mind has to reconcile all the things I knew with the person he really was. The coward who couldn't tell the truth and who waited til my weakest moment to kick me. Literally waiting until there was five minutes left so he wouldn't have to talk to me about it.
So obviously I woke up this morning a little melancholy and the infinite sadness.... so what am I going to do today to make things better you ask? I am going to keep moving. The thing that makes me do this overthinking the most is when I am alone and have nothing to do. Today is shopping with a friend and then looking for real estate. Babysitting tonight and even staying over. I could not be any busier today. They say it gets easier with time. My counsellor who I have deduced is very wise told me it will be like moments of being OK getting strung closer and closer together. I picture it like when you hang clothes out on the line. I have moments of being OK. Last night I was a girlfriend's for dinner and there were several times I was perfectly fine and D didn't cross my mind. So I am stringing my moments of OK closer together on the line. Just thought you should know.