Did I mention that at work I used to hear from D every hour... a little kiss or hug text. Sometimes a holding or a lick..... all stupid but I loved it. I loved that he thought of me so often and checked in. It made me feel special. I must have looked at my desk where I used to keep my phone a hundred times today. I took his pictures down and I didn't cry once at work. But I wanted to. I wanted to call him and beg him to come back. To text me again and make me whole again. Instead I worked my ass off all day and on every single break worked on my self improvement. I found an application to volunteer at AIDS Victoria. I am going to take a workshop on AIDS next Thursday night if I get accepted. My Mom said that this might be a little depressing, but I don't know if I feel like it is too depressing. It might be great to help someone feel better. Maybe I will meet people who care about the same things I do. I used to care about the World around me. I think in our entire relationship I talked about politics or society less than ten times. What do you think that means? I was so willing to give up that huge part of me because he didn't find it interesting. I became this needy girl, who was utterly dependent on someone else for happiness. He must of thought of me as being so pathetic. Its funny I thought we got to the place we were in together, but he was able to leave when the shit hit the fan and I wasn't. I thought we were in this. Maybe because he told me a hundred million times he was never leaving. But why did I need him to say this so often? I know that he hurt me and there is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour but there is a part of me who knows why it was easy for him to treat me badly. I let him.
I hope that my solution to this utter abyss, "the keep busy solution", is the way to happiness. I just have a fear that if I stop doing for even a minute I will give up. Or that I will never get me back.
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