Dreaming of his return - seriously sick!

I have been stuck on the thought of never talking to him again. I guess I miss him and I am struggling with the idea he could go from talking to me everyday and being such a huge part of each other's lives to never wanting to talk to me again. I guess I just don't believe that this is true. Part of me thinks the reason he was so horrible in the end was to make it easier for him to leave. How cowardly. All those times he said we were a team or that he would never leave me. Or at the very least if she ever found out he would call me to talk about it. He didn't even give me that courtesy. I wonder if she will leave him. I actually am obsessing about it... But that is not a life for me. That is being stuck on him and letting my life be all about D again.
Today was good. Although with that being said I thought about the unborn child a lot. I was out with my sister and cousin, and her baby. It isn't any one's fault but it feels like there is a baby in my face constantly. I want to be a mother. One day. I wanted desperately to be the mother of his children. To be his wife. For us to have a life together. The problem is I was dreaming of something that was not possible in our current circumstances. And he let me believe. He enabled me with his encouraging words and loving touches. I guess a huge part of me is still dreaming he will leave her and we will find a way to figure it out. Even as I write this I know that I am supposed to want more for myself. I am supposed to want to be with a kind man. A loyal man. A trustworthy man. So far all I want is D. If I was religious I would pray for the those thoughts to be carried out of my body. In all honesty I just want a glimpse of the future. Five years from now. To see I am OK, that I meet a man who is good and kind. I get married and get the children I always wanted. I get over D and even when I think of him years from now it is only with fond memories and the pain has faded so much it doesn't take my breath away.