Screaming on the inside

I feel alone today and no amount of work, friends, or family is going to make that feeling dissipate. I am really fucking tired of all this trying and "faking it to make it", when at the end of the day I still feel like I am missing my right arm. Or the big hole in my heart. None of it feels right, or real. I feel like I have been living in a dream and I am wondering when I am going to wake up. D when am I going to wake up and when are you going to swoop in and rescue me? Your not. Not because I completely believe that you are not coming back ever again, just that even I will not be able to lie to myself this time and tell me everything is OK. Even I know that I am better off alone, working through this shit than being with you. I just miss you everyday. Maybe not every moment like before but still everyday. I don't know what makes me sadder, that I will just forget you one day and forget to miss you. You, my right arm. Or that I have to miss you at all, that I loved someone like you enough to make myself believe you were my right arm.
I smile at people all day long. I do. I make jokes and pretend that I am brave and strong and really I want to scream. I can not believe that people do not see it. That they can not hear me screaming from the inside. I look around my bedroom and see the stuff that I honestly do not have the energy to pack up. Like the flowers you sent me for my fake birthday. Or the toy solider that you bought to protect me for valentines day. What I need is for one of my friends to come and visit and force all of these things into a box. The funny thing is I know what they would say. I can hear each of their voices saying "get this shit out of here". "If you don't do it I will". Well the offer is open ladies, anyone want to come and help me get over this hurtle?
That's the thing. I can have as many friends as a person can make and still I am without a best friend here in Victoria. There are some people that you never have to explain to. That just take you for who you are, and don't have to ask the questions, because they know you. I don't have any one that even resembles that here in Victoria. The person who will come in and say what are you doing? Scold while hugging type love. I miss that. Not enough to move back to Vernon and throw in the towel. But I do really miss the people you don't have to fake it in front of.